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As a robot, it is very difficult to find motion pictures that are written, directed, and acted specifically for me. Most mo-pics are far too slow, and include too few elements for a robot audience. A human screenwriter will spend too much time on a subject. We get it! It has been over five minutes! Move on to the next subject!
Which is why Old Dogs, the new comedy from Disney, is such a refreshing change of pace. Script-Bot David Diamond and Script-Bot David Weissman, along with Directing-Bot Walt Becker have created the perfect holiday concoction to properly understand such human values like family and fart jokes, and at such an expedient pace! My circuits were positively buzzing with excitement!
Acting-Bot designate Robin Williams has finally teamed up with Acting-Bot designate John Travolta, playing best friends who have become household names in Sports Marketing, according to the opening credits. In the first scene, we find out that Williams-Bot does not feel comfortable around children, because he kicks a soccer ball at a child and breaks the child's nose! This is very funny.
But danger, Williams-Bot! Five minutes later, we find out that a one-night stand from seven years before with Acting-Bot designate Kelly Preston (who sure has her circuits turned up to 11!) has produced two very Italian looking Child-Bots. And with Preston-Bot sent to jail for two weeks, Williams-Bot must take care of the Child-Bots! And not only that, but Travolta-Bot likes to have sex with women, and now he can't! Oh no! What will these old dogs do?
Luckily, five minutes later -- and with some regularity, every five or ten minutes or so -- something new happens as Williams-Bot and Travolta-Bot explore such human concepts as age and what it means to love and also puppets, and then there's a a birthday party at the zoo, and then later some other things happen.
Plus, there are lots of bone-crunching jokes that seem to cause real physical harm to the participants! For example, Williams-Bot smashes golf balls into human companion Seth Green's crotch with a horrifying (by human standards, of course) crunch. This happens a lot. Did I mention the very wet sounding farts? And the cuts to quizzical dogs, as if this were a pet food commercial? Very amusing!
We are running out of space in the designated word count for this review, but I would be remiss to mention how the Script-Bots have helpfully broken up the characters into their base racial stereotypes, like wise and smart Asians and sassy Black people. This is helpful because all your humans look alike to me. Additionally, it was helpful to know what the characters were feeling by playing nearly non-stop popular music for five-to-ten second bursts.
