Meryl (Parker) and Paul Morgan (Grant) are separated, mostly because of the latter's one-off dalliance with another woman. She is a high profile real estate mogul. He is an equally prestigious attorney. One night, while walking away from a proposed make-up dinner, the couple witnesses the murder of a noted arms dealer. The killer clearly sees them, and after an abortive attack, the FBI is suggesting a stint in the Witness Protection Program.
One music montage later and our uncomfortable duo are being guarded by US Marshall -- and local sheriff -- Clay Wheeler (Sam Elliot) and his gun-toting spouse, Emma (Mary Steenburgen). They live in Ray, Wyoming, a red-state one-horse town with a friendly country doctor (David Call), his incredibly dumb receptionist/nurse (Kim Shaw), and not much else. Though told not to contact people back home, Meryl can't resist. Her quickie call leads the assassin right to their doorstep, where a clash of cultures -- and automatic weapon fire -- occurs.
If you want to see two reportedly talented individuals desperately mining any comedy they can find inside an otherwise steaming pile of humorless drek, Did You Hear About the Morgans? will fit the bill nicely. From the hackneyed premise to the somnambulist performances, this is formulaic commercial crassness at its most irritating. Nothing here rings true, nothing feels authentic or real. While we can believe Parker as a commanding Trump-like titan (just barely), Grant's doctor of jurisprudence is laughable. Neither comes across as anything other than a contrivance, a way of justifying their bloated lifestyle and the even bigger egos. The trip into seclusion is supposed to be a comeuppance for the couple, a chance to drop them down a peg while gaining some necessary insight into the human condition. Instead, it plays as predetermined stupidity, bumpkins vs. bravado in the ultimate game of 'who cares.'
Much of the problem comes with Lawrence's lousy screenplay. It does more telegraphing than a gold rush boom town. When we learn that Steenburgen's Emma loves her firearms, we are certain a scene will arrive when both Meryl and Paul learn to shoot. Sure enough, once that clichéd circumstance is over, we're convinced said skill will play a part in the finale. Bingo! Psychics isn't as predictable as Did You Hear About the Morgans?
By the time the syrupy ballad serenades us from the soundtrack while Meryl and Paul fall back in love, we've long since stopped caring. Nothing Lawrence does with the camera convinces us that we are dealing with believable situations or authentic emotions. As a result, Did You Hear About the Morgans? is all artifice. It would be acceptable if all this fakeness lead to something legitimately funny. Instead, we're left bewildered and bored.
