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After watching Last Action Hero, I have found another aspect to its unsatisfactory earnings that cannot be overstated: The movie is awful.
It's not a hidden gem, like Duck Soup, or one of those quirky, sometimes misunderstood treasures, such as The Big Lebowski or The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Last Action Hero is poorly conceived and moves with the speed of a docked cruise ship. It's painfully unfunny. It's horribly cast. But the good news is that you can now enjoy the stupendous mediocrity on Blu-ray!
The movie's protagonist is Danny Madigan (Austin O'Brien), a New York City kid who finds solace in the movies from a world that ranges from boring to scary. He's a regular at a rundown theater that is home to Nick (Robert Prosky), the kindly old projectionist who's been there forever and is arguably Danny's closest friend. The friendship has one benefit: free movies, in this case, the newest Jack Slater action movie, starring Schwarzenegger as the titular super cop. Nick offers Danny, who loves the series, his own late-night premiere.
As part of this grand occasion, Nick gives Danny a 'magic ticket' that once belonged to Houdini. (Note: This really happens.) The ticket has a mind of its own, so while enjoying the car chases and explosions, Danny gets transported into the movie, becoming Slater's partner. Things get really wacky when a bad guy (Charles Dance) procures Danny's ticket, sending him into the real world with Danny and Slater/Schwarzenegger in pursuit.
Director John McTiernan and screenwriters Shane Black and David Arnott mangle the promising concept. Danny spends a good portion of the movie trying to convince Slater that he's living in a fantasy world, so McTiernan and his writers parody blockbuster movie conventions (e.g., everyone is beautiful; bad guys give long speeches). It's a waste of time. Movies like Lethal Weapon (written by Black), Die Hard (directed by McTiernan), and The Last Boy Scout (written by Black) never took themselves seriously, and were almost comedies in terms of their tone and dialogue. So, if the subject you're mocking is already in on the joke, as is the audience, what exactly is the joke now?
Last Action Hero spends over two excruciating hours trying to answer that question, trotting out pointless cameos and stupid tributes, blending action with Mozart-related puns involving F. Murray Abraham. It's like watching the Oscars' worst opening number with explosions replacing music. Your hosts: O'Brien and Schwarzenegger, who have zero rapport. O'Brien tackles every scene like he's the obnoxious theater kid at summer camp, while Schwarzenegger talks way too much. If you needed someone to wipe out the Bolivian army with the contents of a tool shed, Arnie was your man in the 1980s and early 1990s. Carrying a movie with dialogue, while portraying a human being, was never his strong suit. In Last Action Hero he proves that again and again.
It's hard to imagine anyone salvaging this train wreck. It cannot be resurrected by what-ifs. It's not camp. It hasn't gotten better with age. Last Action Hero is just bad. If you want to say that it's a victim of bad timing, go right ahead. Just make sure you see the movie first.
