Once upon a time, Kate Beckinsale used to star in movies that weren't crappy vampire stories.

The good news is that in these movies of old, she was often naked.

The bad news is that in 1994, Beckinsale, though 21 years old, looked like a teenage boy.

The worse news: She didn't shave her armpits.

None of this changes the fact that Uncovered (based on a Spanish novel) isn't a very good film. The story is straight out of, well, something you might read in a Spanish novel: An art restorer (Beckinsale) uncovers a secret message in a work she's restoring, then interprets the chess game in the picture to relate to some present day murders going on, each piece representing another person to die. Naturally, she's got a piece on the board, which, er, sends her into the arms of various passers-by, most notably including colleague Alvaro, played by Art Malik -- who would play the terrorist Aziz in True Lies, the very same year!

Despite the ridiculous story line, there isn't much actual mystery here, and the ultimate perpetrator of the crime is so obvious as to be laughable. So why are you still reading this review? Oh I get it... you wanna see the pits for yourself.

Pervert.