I have seen the future, and it is very French.

What can I say about The Fifth Element that you haven't probably heard already? Not much, but I will say that The Fifth Element is a mess -- a mess of grand proportions, full of dazzling colors, lights, explosions, outfits, and... hairstyles. Designer John-Paul Gaultier's involvement with Luc Besson's creation (the most expensive French production ever) is well-known, as is Milla Jovovich's role as Leeloo, supposedly the most perfect being (but I wouldn't have pegged her as being so flaky).

The plot, what there is of one, is your basic "cab driver saves the world from a big flying ball of evil using magic rocks" story, with Bruce Willis as the cabbie in question and Gary Oldman as the corporate tycoon who wants the rocks for himself. And while lots of things blow up, most of the film is just plain boring and idiotic -- especially Chris Tucker's performance as Ruby, an indecipherable, intergalactic Dennis Rodman-meets-Rosie O'Donnell talk show host. Plus there's the blatant rip offs from Blade Runner and Brazil that I won't even get started on.

Enough already. My bet? Wait until summer for the real sci-fi to fly.



Now is the time on Sprockets when we cower.