Shhh. Don't tell anyone. There is a legion of us Axe Murderer fans out here. Most of us live in San Francisco, but we're really quite universal. Wayne's World? Pathetic by comparison. So I Married an Axe Murderer is easily Mike Myers' best movie -- hilarious, with Myers taking his comedy to a new level not hidden behind a funky costume (as in Wayne or Austin Powers)... well, except for the scenes where he plays his own angry father.

The story? Ah, forget that: Myers plays Charlie, a questionably-employed SF beatnik/poet who can't commit to a woman. When he meets Harriet (Nancy Travis), a butcher at "Meats of the World," maybe he's met the one? Or is she really the axe murderer he's read about in the Weekly World News? With his cop buddy (Anthony LaPaglia in a rare comic role) by his side, Charlie ultimately marries Harriet despite his fears... which leads to one hell of a wedding night.

No, not a classic story, but the gags come so fast and furious that it's easy to forget all of that. Myers has nearly all the best lines, typically when he's playing Charlie's profane dad, He hates Colonel Sanders "because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smartass!" When mom is showing baby pictures to Harriet: "Show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls!" As Charlie, in a spoken word piece, Myers tosses off an inspired line about "girls in cartoons" which rhymes "they make me horny" with "Saturday morny."

But the show-stealer is Michael Richards in a cameo appearance as a newspaper reporter, whos gallows humor in the obituary department causes Myers to freak out, getting a classic response from Richards.

OK, maybe it's just us Axe Murderer freaks. On paper, it sounds a little dumb. OK, a lot dumb. But on the screen and in the right mood it's hysterical. Maybe it's because it rarely has to resort to scat humor to get a laugh. Maybe it's just the look on Myers' face. Maybe it's the poetry. Axe Murderer may not exactly be sophisticated or erudite, but it's far from juvenile.

Enough about the movie. Now I've got to remedy something.

Head! Pants! Now!

Somehow, a new DVD release merits a "Special Edition" tag despite having no extras, none at all. You're telling me director Thomas Schlamme couldn't get out of bed for a simple commentary track? Jesus.