Fan Mail Page 1...

Selections from thousands of letters we've received over the years... both good and bad. Reader discretion is advised due to frequently harsh language.

Some favorites and a few love letters... You're In the Jungle, Baby! "After reading your review of Quentin Tarantino's latest flick, Kill Bill: Volume 2, I realized something...You compared Quentin's career to that of Guns N' Roses. And although I don't agree with that in the least, I am not here to tell you how to think. I am however writing this to point out a minor infraction in that comparison. "Bear with me, because the analogy makes sense. In 1990, the astonishingly successful Appetite for Destruction turned G&R into global superstars, in much the same way that Pulp Fiction blasted Tarantino into the Hollywood stratosphere in 1994." I believe if you are going to use G&R in the example, you should at least get your facts straight. Appetite for Destruction was not released in 1990, it was in fact released in 1987, August 4th, 1987 to be more accurate. Just thought I would pass this information along to you. Sincerely," - William (Bill) Axl Rose You Know, It Would Be Cool To Meet Me "Hello Christopher - I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write a review of my film On The Doll --- i have always read all your reviews and have been a long-time fan of Film Critic's site. I feel the reviews are very well articulated and really delve into more than just a cursory description of a particular film's storyline --- I feel you have a very gifted way of expressing how various films actually relate to the world we live in - I truly like your writing style and insight very much. If you're ever in Los Angeles please let me know - it'd be cool to meet you and you're always welcome to our set --- On The Doll is my first film and my first script - I'm working on a new project now that is really exciting! I hope to meet you someday and say thanks for all the different reviews you've written which have inspired me to see many films that I may have missed. Kind regards." - Thomas Mignone, Director / Writer, On The Doll Ask And Ye Shall Receive "I am rarely moved to write to anyone online whom I have not already met. Your review of Stardust made me do so. I'm sure you don't remember but several years ago I wrote, during the frenzy over The Passion of the Christ, and mentioned that it was unfair that there was no extant review of The Life of Brian - said that I had heard it called The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre. I was pleased beyond measure to see that the review appeared soon thereafter (and even had the quote!) and even happier that you responded personally to my request via email.That which I have seen, trailers, etc. on Stardust had not previously made me feel that I wanted to see the movie but after you gave it 5 stars and a glowing review I can tell you that I'll be taking the kids (8,7,5) tomorrow. Movies and snacks for 5 can run $75-100. Cheers to you and Filmcritic.com for being the source I trust where to spend my family entertainment money." - Charles Adams Skye Seeks Self "Hi Chris, I'm one of the actors in a movie you reviewed a while back - I starred in Sex Court The Movie. While I can understand why you only gave us two stars, I do have a few self-related questions... ...I don't know if you recall my role in the movie or not (I was the blonde in the maid outfit), but I sincerely want to get your opinion/advice on my performance and such. This was the first movie I'd ever done, and I hadn't had any lessons, coaching or experience whatsoever (other than our TV show) when I did this film. Since I can't judge myself (accurately), I am hoping you will tell me why you think that Julie Strain was the only thing worth watching. Is this opinion based on acting or physical appearances? I'm just looking for some honest criticism so that I might better myself, that's all. If you could find a moment to give me a quick reply, I would appreciate your input. :) Thanks a bunch!" - Skye Ashton, Professional Model/Actress Gimme a B! Gimme an A! "We are listening, reading, and have due respect for your top writers, such as Barsanti. Understandably, the press junkets and perks will influence most of the media prostitues. Barsanti is not one of that gang. Thank you so much for caring and for being true to journalism." - Linda Wyatt Aversa, President, The River Valley Artists' Guild 13th Child, First Atonement "You'll be surprised as hell that I'm writing to you but I got a HUGE kick out of your dead-on review of 13th Child. This , by the by, is Michelle Maryk from the aforementioned study in filmic torture. I couldn't agree with you more on all points- of course, your comments about me smarted a litlle but were pretty right on and nothing I myself haven't said a thousand times about this "movie". For me, it was a great experience to be on a set for that many weeks and a very excellent lesson in what people should never do if they make a movie. I have to tell you, I was lucky if I ever got more than one take and I was battling with people that clearly had no clue as to what they were doing. I'm happy to tell you, though, that I am pretty good at what I do (the blackhole of 13th Child notwithstanding) and you'd likely enjoy that more. In a couple of weeks I'll have my own website up and you can see for yourself - www.michellemaryk.com. Keep up the great, brutally honest work." - Michelle Maryk Why Not Just Send Us the Cash and Cut Out the Middleman? "I ran across your review page, and read through quite a few of them....some movies I have seen, and some I've considered watching. Most of those I read were written by you, and I found them to be some of the most thought provoking and interesting of any movie reviews I've ever read. Some reviews I've read in the past left me wondering if the reviewer actually even saw the movie at all, let alone paid any real attention to it! That is certainly not the case with you. There were two negative reviews you did of movies that I didn't think were that bad. They were very thought provoking, and helped me to look at those movies from a different point of view, and I found myself agreeing with you. You manage to point out flaws without sounding like you're trying to do a Don Rickles routine! It's very refreshing to find a reviewer whose writings are insightful, and basically constructive, even with the negative reviews. From now on, before I plunk down the cash to see a movie, I will see what you have to say about it before I do. Thank you!" - Brad Wonnacott It Just Bugged Us "you are obviously the only critic who actually saw 'the bug' with his eyes and ears open. how in the world did other critics give it 3 or more stars? my wife thinks that they must have been paid. i think that they feel that they are expected to be awed by the work of such an esteemed director. i thought it was one of the worst films that i have seen. the audience agreed as people started leaving about half way through and by the end, only about 10% of them were left in the theater. terrible, stupid dialogue, long, boring conversations, etc. a few times, the audience laughed and guffawed at moments that were supposed to be serious. the worst is that the characters were not particularly likeable so who could care about their predicament? the question: how can critics such as roger ebert give it 3 1/2 stars? is there a reason? interesting note: when i left the theater, i had occasion to speak to the theater manager about something. he asked what film i had seen and when i told him, he replied that he knew i would say 'the bug' and that he wished he could warn incoming customers but that he could not in his position. the film will disappear within a week. so again, is there a reason that critics liked it so much?" - d. schofield In Praise of the Wayans Brothers "I just read your review of Little Man. I actually saw the movie this past weekend, yes with cash in hand. I personally think this movie was very creative and funny which is what the movies need. As a movie goer, i get sick and tired of the same old predictable movie: Superman, Spider ect.. (i have read their comics and know what they are going to do). Thinking outside the box worked in this particular movie. I did not see any obvious flaws with the special effects. What normal or average movie goer would, unless it was obvious such as the camera man or prop falling? This movie was designed to be humorous, who would not laugh, except you, at seeing someone pretend to be a baby? I would rather see this Little Man over Brokeback Mountain any day. But i enjoyed reading your review and enjoy the fact the movie grossed 22 million. I will bookmark this website just for reading, but i will definitely end up at the movies with cash in had rather than take your critique as gold. Thanks." - Daniel McQuirter Bastante en Color de Rosa "Hello...I read your critic to Pretty In Pink and I add to various points of view about it. I saw it as may be you, in the ¨80s, when I was a Teen Age girl, i realy loved that film, I think that instead it was an idealistic romance movie it painted clearly and realisticly as a photograph of what it is a teen age love whit the scenary behind of a class battle the society in modern times is involved.. I love the actings of Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald, this actress I think is great, I have no actual news of the ´00 years and her acting activities or if she had retired from art acting and cinema bussines. If you can send me a answer to my ask please. Thank you and greatings ( sorry me my maybe- not exctly aplying of english language but its not my language, i learnt it but I do not apply it ussualy, and I heard some in my childhood from my grand mother a little)" - Maria Laura Clancy (Argentina) Going Over Big Down Under "Gotta tell you- I love your team of reviewers. It is great to read intelligent, honest and well written articles." - Barbara (Australia) Reaching Out to Fanboys Hey, first I'd like to start out by saying that I love the site! You guys right great reviews and they are always entertaining. (Though I wish Kill Bill: Volume 2 had a higher grade, but whatever). I really like how you even review movies that studios don't let you see. It comes in handy when you want to find out about a movie, this is my number one spot. You are also very strict about you grading and I like that, if a film gets a high rating, it deserves it. Well now on to my question... I was wondering if you could do me a small favor and change the titles of the Star Wars movies to their complete titles. Ex: Star Wars to "Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope", The Empire Strikes Back to "Star Wars: Episode V- The Empire Strikes Back" and Return of the Jedi to "Star Wars: Episode VI- Return of the Jedi". I know it states these titles at the bottom of their respective reviews under an aka heading, but for casual fans of the series and future fans it will be easier to read about the films in order. And plus it j ust makes sense, you have "Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace", "Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones" and "Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith" and then you list the others like their not apart of the series. I just wish you would do this for me and the rest of the Star Wars fans out there, I bet I'm not the first one to ask this but it would be great if you would. Thank you for your time," - Steve Carrier (We made the change -Ed.) If We Can Keep One Person Away From Adam Sandler... "This is not hate mail. On the contrary, I would like to thank you. I have watched the Oscars since I was a wee child and over the years of my life, I have grown to love film. I'm only fifteen now, but i have realized that there is no better job in the world than film criticism. I bought your book and I read it. Not only was it informative, but you made me laugh really hard. I'm watching the movies on "The 300" and slowly I'm making my way through those. I guess it is good that it is summertime. Anyway, I think that it is great that you took time out to write a book like "Five Stars" because I don't know what I would have done without it. I had written some reviews of movies before I read the book, but I feel that with some more material under my belt, I will write much better. What I am completely and utterly excited about is that I am in school newspaper next year and may have the chance to write movie reviews. If that is so, I will be the happiest girl around. I must admit, I do enjoy some blockbusters, such as the first Pirates movie, but I find myself appreciating independent movies more and more as I am exposed to them. I enjoy voicing my opinions and I supposed I could be called an argumentative person, but that is only because I am passionate about film and love it so much. I have read many of your reviews and your book and I know that there are things I would like to comment on, but you are a busy man and I do not want to take you away from your work. Hopefully someday when I am a little more experienced I can work for filmcritic.com." - Ashly Ganahl Call Me, Call Me, Anytime "You said in your review of Closer that people don't really behave that way. Er..yeah, they do. Being a "call girl" I get first hand knowledge of this sort of person on a day to day basis, As a matter of fact, I live a few doors down from a former client. He lives with his wife and 3 year old son. He wanted to still see me after I moved her but I put the kabash on that. I talk to his wife a couple times a week. She invited me to their church on Sunday. I could tell you stories of human behaviour that would make you feel ashamed to call yourself a "worldy" person (if in fact you do). Yes the movie had a bit of canned dialogue that was hard to take, but I know "real life" people in similiar situations and situations that actually makes these people seem to be "amateurs" at deception. Actually what is probably different in real life is that the people I know don't "kiss and tell." But they engage in far worse behaviour then I saw in this movie. Oh, how about my girlfriend, a call girl, who is living with a Sgt in the Sheriff Department and he doesn't know what she does? They own a few houses together. Oh yes, how bout the client who I screwed weekly who ended up giving my good friend an job as a receptionist? She does not know what I do or how he met me. I could go on and on with tangled relationships and secrets but I think you get my drift." - Stephanie A Producer Credit and a New Buick "Impulse shopping at the local Hollywood Video brought a copy of 29 Palms into my home. I picked it out because I'm a big fan of the kind of edgy, character driven dramas this movie seemed to promise. Boy, what a major disappointment. This movie is a muddled, incoherent mess. The supposed FBI agent was laughably unconvincing, and the opening scenes with some unidentified public official in a tirade seemed part of some other movie. And the woman on the swing flashbacks. What's up with that? I thought flashbacks involved people actually in the movie? I did a google on the title and came across your review, including your giddy email exchange with the 29 Palms producer. I'm amazed at what $4 million will buy these days." - Greg Foltz Thumbs of Fire "I wanted to add to the list of mail you receive. Your site is great! It's the only place I go to for reviews. While I do not agree with all the ratings you give to the films, I will say that I respect what you and every other critic on this site says. None of you are sell-outs or biased. I am glad to see intelligent reviews, and not the burned out "Two thumbs up" reviews of Ebert and Roeper. You tell it like it is, and I and many others appreciate it. Keep up the excellent work, and lets pray 2005 brings us some GOOD films, not to say 2004 didn't have its moments. Gosh I still cant get Alexander out of my mind! Whoever reviewed that film, I thank you personally, but 1 star was too much man." - JH Blader Cosmic Toilet Flush of Human Folly "Hey, just to let you know Breese is doin' some good rightin'.. But I thought I'd point out one strange fact--JOHN CARPENTER IS LISTED AS EXEC PRODUCER, ALONG WITH EX-FOG PRODUCER DEBRA HILL! The implications are absolutely horrific, and then again... perhaps this is some sort of attempt at running all theater chains out of business in favor of boffo profits through DVD. Or maybe this is a way to bust Maggie Grace into the....no, banish that thought. I had enough gagging on the America's favorite little evening soap, Lost. Thanks again to Keith Breese who made this film buff LAUGH and hard too. Can't stop progress, even if it is marching toward the cosmic toilet flush of human folly. " - "Badzz," re The Fog Edit the Assholes in 2006! "Yes, the movie was fine but the commentary was unprofessional... Talking about the "short bus" was uncalled for and will piss a lot of people off. In this great age of technology, the directors should edit the assholes of the commentary. I hope I get a personal apology for this insincere, unnecessary comment. I can't believe I spent a penny on this movie, especially when the commentary consists of insults toward millions of viewers that watched the movie. Typical..." - Joyce Cordell, re the commentary track on Cellular A Whole New World! "Oh my God, your review of Closer is spot on. This ranks up there with the dumbest movies ever imagined. The dialogue is just below B grad porn. Sorry B grade porn is much better… Once again Julia Roberts is totally unbelievable as an actor and Jude Law is unbearable. Like you wrote, who in their right mind talks like they do? No one I know or would like to know. The flow of the dialogue is comparable to a Disney musical….only much worse. Urghhhhh." - Éric Boutet, Montréal Have You Heard About Chomsky? "Just wanted to thank-you for your very fair and balanced review of my documentary “Noam Chomsky: Rebel Without A Pause”. The shoot was supposed to be a fifteen-minute piece on the aftermath of September 11th and a day before Chomsky arrived I found out we were following him for a week. No budget. No crew. Twenty-hours of footage of Chomsky and others talking so in the end we did the best we could with our material and tried to give people an overview of Chomsky’s views and thoughts (post-September 11th) and a little insight into the man himself and what drives him at 73 to continue his relentless public-speaking tour and book publishing (and no it’s not the coin...) The film managed to get out to some festivals so we’re happy since it has travelled further then anyone ever suspected. We did interview Chomsky but he really hates talking about himself so we decided to not use the footage since he was reluctant – at best – about talking about his work. He really would rather talk to people about what they are doing. Anyway, I’m a big fan of filmcritic.com and was pleasantly shocked and surprised to see my film reviewed (I had no idea it was getting reviewed). Again, thanks for a fair and balanced review. Keep up the great work." - Will Pascoe Constant Praise "I wanted to congratulate you for speaking the truth about The Constant Gardener, while the gaseous "big" critics cowered in the safe corner of correct opinion. The Constant Gardener is a wilting plant from the very beginning (I felt it even in the first 10 minutes) and you had the guts to say it. It is soapbox, unartistic dross, and the New York Times is too. A quote from NYT, if you haven't read it: "The Constant Gardener" is an unusually satisfying example of the genre. ...Unlike most other recent examples - "The Interpreter," Sydney Pollack's hectic and empty star vehicle for Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn comes to mind - Mr. Meirelles's film actually bothers to say something about global politics. If what it says provokes some indignant rebuttal (be on the lookout for op-ed columns and public relations bulletins challenging its dire view of big pharmaceutical companies), so much the better. In pointedly applying President Bush's phrase "axis of evil" to multinational corporations rather than to rogue states, the movie shows a willingness to risk didacticism in the service of encouraging discussion. This strikes me as noble, but it would also strike me as annoying if Mr. Meirelles were not such a skilled and subtle filmmaker, and if his cast were not so sensitive and sly." Maybe you'll agree with me that this paragraph is a horror of evasive cow-towing when it comes to both international politics and, more importantly, film criticism. Mr. Meirelles is a skilled, not subtle filmaker, and his cast is not half as sensitive as they are sly. In this slyness, they are aided by every right-thinking unartistic impulse in both hemispheres of our great, wounded planet. Film critics should never "risk didacticism in the service of encouraging discussion."" - David T., Pembroke, MA You Forgot One "In your all time top 100 voices in the movies list I think you should include Ed Green. His voice has been part of the movie expierience for nearly 40 years. He is the other MovieFone.com guy. Ed is the one who says in theaters ""For locations, showtimes, previews...even tickets...say hello to MovieFone.com. Most of the voiceover artists today have copied his style of voice. And countless movie trailers..and national tv commercials for years and years. To hear his voice demo please visit my website. I also work has his publicist. Link is posted below to my website." - Jeremy J. Nelson CHT. Publicist. Dallas TX. Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Malaysian Bootlegs of SuperBabies But Were Afraid To Ask "Hey! Hey hey hey! Remember I had observed that the incredibly bad movie "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" only appeared to be available on DVD in a "Family Edition" -- meaning that it wasn't widescreen and had some of the diaper gravy jokes censored? The "Family Edition" is the only one I've seen in stores, the only one available from Amazon.com, and the only one mentioned on IMDB.com or RottenTomatoes.com. Well, I purchased a used copy on the cheap, and lo and behold, somehow I got a copy that's not the "Family Edition". I don't know what the deal is, but mine's a Region 1 disc that claims to be widescreen. The one that's in stores has a black stripe across the top marked "Family Edition", but this one has a white stripe that says "DTS Digital Surround Sound", plus a weird logo with a big gold "9" surrounded by the phrases "Collector's Series", "DTS", and "Region Quality". Guh? Have I somehow got a DVD from Region 9 which would be somewhere between Mars and Krypton? The box does say it's an NTSC Region 1 disc, but this cryptic broken-English logo on the front makes me wonder if someone is going to the trouble of bootlegging one of the least-wanted movies in human history, especially given that I can't even find any references to this DVD's spine catalog number ("DTS-9462") on the Web. Also, instead of the usual English, French, and Spanish subtitles, my disc supports English, Chinese, Malay, and Thai subtitles. That's a real sign something weird is going on. But if this were a legit Asian release from this studio, it wouldn't be Region 1. (My disc might be Region 1 or, more likely, have no region code, I can't tell, all I know is that my DVD player plays it in all its disgusting glory.) It's not actually widescreen -- the box's lie about being widescreen is the surest sign that this isn't a legit release from any region. The front box art -- other than all the references to it being a DTS disc -- is just a copy of the movie's poster, another frequent feature of bootleg discs. I think the mangled "9"/"DTS" logo on the front is trying to be a "DVD-9" (dual-layer) logo. The mashup of the "DTS" logo in it is unsurprising because Asian bootlegs often seem to emphasize that they have DTS, I guess it's popular over there. And now, here's today's trivia question. What quote from a critic appears in big letters on the back of this shady version of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"? a) "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" b) "SuperBabies is the worst movie of the year" c) "SuperBabies sucks" d) "SuperBabies is... wacky" I'll give you a hint: This movie is so bad that no human has ever said it has any redeeming qualities. No, I'm not kidding. The back of the box says "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" in yellow Gill Sans Ultra Bold (a font 837% wackier than this movie could ever hope to be.) The quote is attributed to Pete Croatto of FilmCritic.com, and it probably is the most positive quote they could find -- RottenTomatoes.com lists 35 critics' reviews, all extremely negative. I should write him a letter. Maybe he's the one who put out this secret edition of "Superbabies" with the helpful warning on the back to keep people from watching it. Or maybe the bootleggers can't read enough English to know that "has no redeeming qualities" isn't the same as "super wacky terrific spectacle". If this is a bootleg, it's not only the first time I've ever discovered I accidentally bought a bootleg, it's also the first time I've ever been glad to buy a bootleg, because it means you should FEAR ME! I HAVE A WEIRD MALAYSIAN-SUBTITLED BOOTLEG THAT FELL FROM THE SKY OF "SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2" AND YOU'D BETTER BE NICE TO ME OR I MAY TELL YOU EVEN MORE ABOUT IT!" - Kibo He's Holding On Til His Last Breath "I just read your Spiderman 2 review and you are the ONLY critic according to Yahoo Movies list of reviews who got it right. Throughout the first half I was saying this was a straight rip of Superman 2 and so when I read that, I knew you had it right. Picked up in the last 30 min, but I have no idea how the movie received such unanimous acclaim...the first film was far superior. Keep up the good reviews!" - KK OK, But We Need Our Space "Hi there, I just came across filmcritic.com today. I fell in love with this website immediately. The interface is so friendly on the eyes and the reviews are crisp and well-written. Keep up the good work guys!" - Ray 10 Being the Worst "I just rented 'The door in the Floor' - last night - AND I WISHED I HADN'T. What a peice of Dreck! Every word of your review, which I read today off Rottentomatoes, rings true. Everyword! AND AS I SCROLLED down to view if the tomatoes were whole or rotten, 90% were whole... I don't get it! I like Jeff Bridges a lot -- and I like Kim in spurts -- but his was more than I could bare. We all stayed too long! Thnaks Again & Continued Success. I'd be interested to know your 10 favoirte films of all time. 1 to 10, 1 being the first. Cheers." - Martin Merle, San Francisco Less Is More? "I’m a regular visitor to the site, and I find the reviews informative and entertaining. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree, but that goes with the territory. One of my favorite parts of the site is the lists – 101 greatest films of the millennium, best quotable lines, etc. I just wish there were more of them. Have you considered doing a new list, similar to the AFI list but maybe not with exactly the same criteria, on a monthly or bi-monthly basis? Maybe I’m just a list freak, but I for one would love to see it. Anyway, thanks for proving one of my favorite theories – reading a negative review of just about anything (a book, a movie, a CD) can be just as entertaining as reading a good book, watching a good movie, or listening to a good CD. Keep up the good work!" - Jason Ferrante, Pittsburgh, PA Hire Those Programmers! "I purchased your book from Amazon and I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know just how much I enjoyed it. I have a rather large dvd collection and, with encouragement from some friends, have been toying with the idea of building a site of dvd reviews. I watch 5-7 movies a week during football season and twice that in the off-season. When I saw your book on the Internet I had to read it. It's the first book I've read from cover-to-cover in a VERY long time and found it to be a great source of information. I liked your 300 "must-see" film list (I've seen about half and own 115). I'll have to admit that I was surprised to see Man Bites Dog on it, the only people I've ever met before that had heard of it were two French computer programmers I worked with when I lived in Brussels. It's definitely one of the most unique films I've watched. Well, I've rambled on enough. Thanks again for taking the time to put the book together and keep up the good work on your website." - Tim Cronian Never Mind the Bollocks "As I started to read you rather caustic review of Fernando Meirelles’ “The Constant Gardner”, a film I haven’t yet seen, I began to think it must be the rage-induced ramblings of a right-wing corporate apologist or some imperialist wanker who sees nothing wrong with exploiting Africans, particularly if they are stupid enough to allow it. However, by the end of you review, I came to agree with you. Although I couldn’t agree about this particular film, I did agree with your view of the thinking behind the film which is all too evident in many Hollywood movies dealing with the third world. It can be difficult to wade through the overly liberal puss that drips off the screen as you hurry to leave the theatre. I too am sick of Africans being portrayed as hapless victims simply waiting for anyone white to give us a hand. I get enough of that on late night infomercials. I’m equally sick of the refusal of film makers to take a serious look at the rampant corruption of so-called African leaders who in their mostly un-educated haste for money and power will sell their country’s assets and embark on decades long wars with no obvious goal in mind other than holding on to power. The same could be said of the so-called African middle and upper-middle classes that are content to sell their souls for western creature comforts while their compatriots literally rot in the streets. I love the site of rich men driving their brand-new Mercedes Benz’ down pot-holed streets past sprawling shanty-towns on their way to their church on Sundays. That’s always worth a laugh. It’s as if Africans shouldn’t be blamed for our problems because we’re too simple to understand our circumstances and we need some buttoned-down, over-educated green thumb and his tree-hugging wife to save us. This is analogous to children needing guidance, explanations and help from parents. Bollocks!!!!!!! I always squirm when Hollywood goes to Africa. It’s hardly ever good. The few decent attempts include “Sometimes in April” and “Hotel Rwanda”, but even they had their flaws. Generally, one gets the sense that the western filmmaker is awed by the landscape and its’ flora and fauna, but puzzled, disconnected from and uninterested in the people, unless he/she can use them to address issues within their own culture. Hence the need to look at all African issues from the point of view of some white protagonist. These films take such stances because they are primarily intended for white, western audiences and are addressing the problems mostly caused by westerners. Not to spit on the intentions of any well meaning liberal, but I think it’s high time that Africans covered these stories ourselves and examined our part in the destruction of our continent Based on his previous work, I give Mr. Moierellis more credit than you do as a film maker. I’ll be watching this film for the artistry instead of it’s politics. I must admit, I do love good paranoid political thrillers such as the ones you cited in your review. What’s a political thriller without a few conspiracies and a certain degree of paranoia? A sitcom?" - Daniele, "Confused, overly westernized Afro-Brit living in San Francisco." Suing Coke "I am interested in the role of guarantees as a response to the illegal and derogatory use of a persons image in film and videotape and the obligations of a Company. If a special effects scene containing the illegal and derogatory use of a persons image ended up on the cutting room floor but was eventually used in a erotic Fantasy film, what kind of guarantees can be made by the Company and its Parent. As a hypothetical example, if this scenario occurred in about 1983 to the studio Tri-Star Pictures which at that time was part owned by Columbia Pictures Industries (latter wholly by Columbia Pictures Entertainment), which was itself owned by The Coca-Cola Company , how would a guarantee by The Coca-Cola Company be constructed in relation to the adversely effected individual (and would the guarantee theoretically protect the individual adversely effected?)" - Daniel The Elusive Chalice... Remains Elusive "Can i just say that i am very new to the world of internet reviews, and indeed all things internet related. I am however nearly 85yrs old and have watched in my long life nearly every film of any worth ever made, and that is no boast my young friend, and i am still watching them as they churn them out year after year, success or failure, i never tire of what i call my search for the holy grail of the film world, and it might not surprise you to know that the grail still eludes me. Oh, i have on occasion thought that i had caught a sight of the elusive chalice, but being human the desire to find fault is ever present, and has always led me to deny what my faith tells me is a certianty, that if you believe you will eventually recieve. I read the mail you recieve and wonder why people need to be so nasty towards you, so we don't all agree on what we see, but no need to be so vitriolic in ones feedback. I may not have the same oppinion as you having watched the same movie, but i certainley don't object to your point of view, i listen and i make up my own mind, yours is as valid a judgement as mine fullstop!. Thanks to my young grandchildren and having paid a great deal of attention to the advances in audio and dvd, i am able in my old age to enjoy the beauty of cinema in the comfort of my own home at any time of day and night, if i were a little younger i would consider writing for your web site, but i am quite happy to read the words of others, and in doing so am aware that my time served in world war two as a soilder defending your right to free speech without fear of persicution was well worth it, keep up your work and don't let the bastards get you down, and never doubt yourself, it's not about being right or wrong, just that you have the right to be so. I look forward to more of your reviews, i hope you can make sense of an old mans ranting. Yours hoping to be here tomorrow" - David Scott-Fitzgerald Hughes We Want 2 Percent "I would like to personally thank you for allowing a review of The Echo in Filmcritic.com. The review in your site has helped generate a buzz and it has reached the eyes and ears of so many people. It spread fast and it spread wide... all the way to The International Creative Management (ICM) who has signed me up to be a part of their roster of talents. Thank you so much for being one of the reasons why this was made possible!" - Yam Laranas, director of The Echo Half an Ounce, Then? "I am a regular reader of your reviews, and although I don't agree with all of them, I still believe that you are providing a valuable service to the movie-going public. You are saving people a lot of money, but more importantly you are saving them time - there's nothing worse than wasting a couple of hours of your life watching a movie that you did not enjoy. I have been reading the comments from other users of your site and I can tell you that not one of the negative comments has an ounce of validity. Keep up the good work." - Kevin Mount - a Brit living in Spain. Nope. "can i ask a question? what is the cinematographical strength of the film identity? can you enumerate and exlpain it to me?" - Paolo Llige The South Rises Again "Thanks for the review of Beauty Shop. Your courage in reviewing such crap is admirable, as well as the point you raise about ongoing southern stereotypes. I live in the South and God knows it has mountains of flaws but the studios seem hellbent on convincing the rest of the country that people from the South still talk in Molasses-thick accents, wear overalls, yell obscenities at passing cars with minorities in them, and have a smoldering racial tension bubbling beneath the surface of everything. There's nothing wrong with putting unflattering southern characters on screen. It's just problematic when that's all you put on screen. Anyway thanks for pointing that out. Keep up the good work. Great site." - Matt Dunno, We Hate Plenty "On another note, I'd like to take a moment to tell you how much I enjoy Filmcritic.com. Most reviewers in other media seem either to be obsessed fans of the film they review or bitter wreaks who hate everything. I guess I like your site so much because I nearly always agree with what the reviewer has written. Kudos to you!" - Charles Adams Lutefisk For All! "Just saw the Bruce Almighty-flick, and like after every film, i go to imdb.com and vote and so on. By pure accident i got into your review of the film, and it was exactly what i thougt a filmcritic would write about a Carrey-movie, until: 'I can't explain it, and in retrospect it is completely idiotic, but these 120 seconds of footage had me doubled over with laughter so severely I literally had to wipe my face with my sleeve, the tears were so bad. It was so funny I seriously thought I was going to fall out of my chair.' It really warms my Carrey-loving-norwegian heart, but what you wrote was so true! That particular scene made me come through that day, and that serious filmcritics feel the same makes me smile :) Don't know why I wrote you this, but whatever. That scene made my day!" - Rune Hekkelstrand-the norwegian! Pot(ter)heads Unite! "Okay seriously, my friend saw it and said it sucked, i have read numerous reviews by "die-hard" (ie, literate) fans, and they hated it. so why would you recommend Harry Potter 3 for ANYONE, let alone major fans? Do you want to send them to their death? The director totally changed everything except the names of people. If i were jk rowling i would get myself into some serious therapy. Fast. i have personally decided that i am not going to this new installment (and i won't go to anymore if they're as butchered as this was) for fear of vomiting all over the theatre." - Alex Walker Long Way from Topeka " We read your review of Off the Menu, The Last Days of Chasens and we enjoyed both your review and the movie immensely. However we didn't understand why you would think that no one outside of Hollywood or Los Angeles would be interested in the movie. We live in Kansas and LOVED the movie. So much in fact that we purchased a copy of it. Plus we have stayed at the Secret Garden Bed & Breakfast in West Hollywood which is owned by Raymond Bilbool who we feel was the STAR of the movie. He was so witty, intelligent and charming. He is a grand host of his Bed & Breakfast. But please, PLEASE do not put down anyone who does not live in Hollywood or Los Angles. We get to New York City and the Hamptons twice a year, Palm Beach and Ft. Lauderdale twice a year and to West Hollywood and Palm Springs twice a year. We enjoy the finer things in life. In Palm Springs, we always dine at Melvyn's Restaurant which is located in the Ingleside Inn just a couple blocks west of downtown. It is like Chasen's in that it has that old Hollywood feeling. Melvyn has owned it for several years. Keep up the good work reviewing movies." - Donald Pile and Ray Williams, Kansas P.S. We Don't Regularly Correspond with Serial Killers "I am very interested in locating the address for Elmer Wayne Henley Jr. I wrote him a letter today and after I mailed it I went web surfing. I sent it to the Coffield unit. I have not written him in a long time and probably have the wrong address. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I was involved with him during the Houston Mass Murders and desperately need to contact him. I was the one that he saved that fateful morning. Please help me!" - Rhonda Williams We Still Love You, Though "As a Londoner I am a great fan of Filmcritic.com. Before I buy any DVD my first port of call is your Review Site. My only regret is that as a UK resident I cannot enter any of your competitions!! Nonetheless, keep up the great work." - Mr Jahangir Miah We Can't Stop Thinking About How "It's Not Our Fault" "You probably don't dwell on reviews you wrote five years ago, but I wanted to thank you for the only intelligent critique of Good Will Hunting that I've encountered. The film's hype was enough to stop me from seeing it when it was released, and I've only recently watched it on video. I was embarrassed and irritated by the sloppy mix of sentimentality and adolescent male fantasies loosely held together by a generic boy meets/loses/gets girl story - but perhaps that is the magic formula for hit movies. It was reassuring to find one critic who could see through all that." - Chris Feast Yes We Appreciate It and We're Watching You "I love all of you guys. Now, I'd like to comment at (still) my fascination with people defending pointless and utterly worthless movies like Lost Souls, 10 Things I Hate About You, and so forth. It should be clear to me now why people would enjoy and use shameful language practices to defend movies like those but still, I take a step back every so often and quizically wonder why anyone would well, seemingly enjoy any Hillary Duff movies. You wonder if the correlation between language use/expressionism with movie appreciation is linear. I mean maybe it can become a profitable scientific study - graphs showing the linear trends between hatemail by fans who t4lk lyk3 diz!!111 that appreciate movies like Tomb Raider, and eventually perhaps the mysteries of creation shall be revealed. I think I may make that my honours thesis if I ever decide to embark on a psychology/um...movie reviews based career. Thank you for inspiring me...do you guys appreciate the art of making graphs anyway? Just curious." - Paranoid Green Tea Woof! "Knew it had to happen. We finally got a bad one. So glad your Sean O’Connell is in the vast minority. Could be that he, not me, is out of touch." - Joe Camp, director of Benji: Off the Leash Well They Had to Make Up Something "I saw Mystic River because everyone told me it was such a great movie. I thought it was too slow and weak. I was even more suprised when I read the Yahoo Critic Reviews and saw that all but one (you) of the 14 critics loved it. I usually trust the New York Times but they gave it an A! Why did everybody like the movie so much?! Did they really like it or are they afraid to get hate mail from the audiences? I'll have to check out your reviews from now on before I head to the screens." - Gunnar Dahlberg Wait, There Are Other Sources? "I just spent almost 4 painful hours watching the 1984 movie Once Upon a Time in America with James Wood and Robert DeNiro. This is the first and I hope only film with DeNiro in it that I can honestly call a dull bomb. Yours is one of the only reviews that had little good to say about this film, and I agree. Thanks for calling it like it is and not getting caught up in rationalizations to convince yourself or your readers that it something other than trash. I am going to start paying more attention to what you say and less to my other sources of reviews." - Juan Carrera Camptastic "...All of this wouldn't matter so much if the acting weren't so mediocre. Director Graff proudly states in the production notes that he wanted untrained actors in Camp for the sake of authenticity. This practice needs to stop. There's nothing charming about watching young actors at sea in their roles;" Indeed, you feel a little sorry for them, the way you do flipping through calendars where cats have been dressed up like society matrons and sea captains." Classic! Thanks for the laugh. This film stole almost two hours out of my life that I'll never get back." - Bob Couey The Internet's a Hell of a Thing Good morning from foggy Bavaria! I´ve just seen your film review of The Terminal, and wanted to send you a quick note to say hello. Your knowledge of La Perla airport outlets is astounding-- yes, we do have one, and yes, it´s almost as popular as our sex shop (in the public landside area, so thus NOT JUST FOR PASSENGERS!), Beate Uhse (a German chain started by a very forward thinking German lady). One thing I bet you didn´t know is that they actually wanted to film the movie here in Munich, in our then under-construction Terminal 2 (which opened in June 2003). As the filming of the movie would have delayed the terminal´s opening by several months, we unfortunately had to turn them down, as our passengers took priority to Hollywood. What a bummer, since I´ve been a fan of Tom Hanks since I was a little girl and he starred in Bosom Buddies! Thanks for the product placement. I´m sure we´ll have a rush on the bustiers now that everyone knows they can stop in Munich to do their luxury lingere shopping. And next time you´re here, give me a buzz!" - Erica Gingerich, Munich International Resistance is Futile "I almost shit my pants reading the "hate mail" on your web site. The headlines above each one are genius. I would read the first line of each letter and then glance back up at the headline...I thought I was going to have a heart attack I was laughing so hard. Keep up the good work...and keep up the great hate mail! P.S. Who knew there were so many Star Trek fans flocking to your site?" - Laurie Kisner P.S. Let's Get Married "Hello, Christopher, my name is Jonathan. How are you doing? You got a lot of excellent movie reviews and I like them. You're the best critic and best journalist ever. I got an interesting idea, I think you should be a screenwriter so that you can write scripts and then make them into movies because I want you to experience it and you can learn more by going to school and getting a book on it. You're still the best I want you the be the best. Well, it's been nice meeting. I hope you can get in contact with me. Thank you. Good luck on your career. Have a nice day." - Jonathan Slime In the Ice Machines "I just wanted to say that I'm a fan of your site and that you and the rest of the critics have really helped open my horizons. Your reviews are not biased or "Hollywood-driven" and I respect that. I've dug and found a lot of films that I have now watched/need to watch and thank you guys for that. P.S.- I'm from Houston and saw your footnote under the picture of Dustin Hoffman in Wag the Dog. Very close to Marvin Zindler. :-) ............MAAAAAARRVIN ZINDLER, EEEYEWITNESS NEWS" - Trip Dammit! "My name is Niki (No, not a brainy, horny cheerleader). It amazes me what people refer to as "Great Movies", but to each they own. Anways, i enjoy reading your reviews, esp yours, i get alot to laugh about, and yes, i read hate mail everyday. The reviews are almost always spot on, and if i didnt get it (the movie) the first time, upon reading your reviews, it dang crystal clear. Keep up the good work, cant wait until u thrashed Catwoman (ahhh meann, if it deserves thrashing...RIIIGGHHHTTT)." - Niki - Caribbean gyal I Heart Jeopardy! "Any idea what Keneau means in Hawaiian? How about that for a question?" - William E. (Bill) Bargenquast, Senior Portfolio Manager, ATEL Equipment Corporation Guilty as Charged "Dear Mr. Brundage, re: your review of Cinderella Story Bravo. A superb review, with amusing plot rundown, strong projection of the feel and quality of the film and the level of art/cerebral challenge in the film. How do you do it? Now I know to spend my film/DVD money elsewhere, thanks to your entertaining and artful review of the film. I had a good time reading your review, unlike some of Filmcritic.com's "excessively aestically" reviewers with the journalistict personality of a conceited, boring, tenured film professor over 60. You just get better with age, Mr. Brundage (LOL). PLEASE do more of this! I have been reading you for so MANY years - since you were 13 or 14 (little did I know, huh:?) I miss your work so much. Nobody but Chris Null touches the quality of your work anymore. Thank God for Chris Null and filmcritic.com. You deserve a raise (but then, who doesn't?). I rest my case." - Carole Little Sturgis College Comedy Fan Has a Timetable "Hello. Having reviewed the American Pie movies, I figured you would be best to answer my question...I am trying to decide on a movie to purchase before Friday, August 1 so when I leave for vacation on Friday I will have something to watch in the car. Can you please respond with some names of great movies that are, in your opinion, about as funnier than American Pie 1 & 2 (Those are my favorite comedies) . I had some movies picked out that seem funny, and here they are: There's Something About Mary Sorority Boys Road Trip While Sorority Boys didn't earn a great review on the site, I personally think it looks funny...Please try to respond with some great comedies (American Pie-like) before Friday...Thanks alot," - Mitch The Real Learning Curve "Thanks for the insightful write-up of Learning Curve (Detention). I appreciate the effort you took to find out what the film is really all about. Again, thanks" - Andy Anderson, Writer/Director, Learning Curve Plato? Socrates? Morons. "Chris, I was just reading some of the hate mail that you have posted on the site. I can't believe what some of these people spend time on. One that struck me in particular was the person who was ripping you over your review of The Life of David Gale. I thought anyone with half a brain who saw that heavy-handed propaganda tripe knows how awful it was. The tone of their letter was typical of someone who has a high oponion of themselves and can't believe anyone would disagree with them. I always refer to these people as "pseudo-intelectuals". -Jim Toms Full Page Ads Are For Sale, Though "I won't go to any film without checking your thoughts first. I believe you guys are as unbiased as it gets. No one is running a full page ad on your site, at $30,000.00 a pop so you can give it four stars. Just one persons opinion. Keep up the good work." - Andrew Spiegel Answer: The Critic. "Hi Chris, I’m an international student majoring in film (and dreading the cinema class I need to take where critique is the order of the day!). One of the recent discussions we had in class was the question “What makes or breaks a movie?” is it a good/bad screenplay or a good/bad director? I was therefore browsing online for Jane Austen’s Persuasion (one that I found horrible to watch and returned to Blockbuster in the same hour I rented it). When I hit filmcritic.com, I found your review not only mirrored my sentiment but it cracked me up as well. I enjoyed your witty writing – thanks for the laugh. I’ll definitely revisit the filmcritic site." - Iris Caffin Fan Mail / Hate Mail Page 2 Fan Mail / Hate Mail Page 3

...and the hate mail. More Than Meets the Eye "I'm probably wasting my time giving attention to an ugly man who spends his time looking for the very internet attention I am now giving him, but I stumbled upon your review of While She Was Out wherein you attack the credits (did they bother you so much little boy?) and dialogue and try desperately to be glib and clever but instead end up with an epic fail. I don't care per se- I make too much money doing this to really take anything internet dicks say to heart- but I did want to spend just a moment or two letting you know that while you may be fooling yourself, the rest of us see you for what you already know you are." - Don Murphy, Producer, While She Was Out, Transformers, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, etc. We Prefer All Our Hate Mail in Outline Form "I would just like to say... A : Your review of the Transformers CLASSIC movie is a one-sided, small minded, pretty much... stupid review. B : Transformers has a CULT following that you seem to not know about or have just cast aside. C : It would not have a cult following of THOUSANDS or even MILLIONS if it were bad. D : Your a dork E : Have you even SEEN the clips for the new Transformers movie? F : If you have, you are NOT a "film critic" as you must know nothing about ground breaking, BRILLIANT Movies. G: No one cares what you have to say anyway... H: When you were a kid you were probably doing math sums instead of expanding your mind and imagination." Thank you for your time. Please don't bother emailing back as i really have no interest in your reply. - Matt Oldham, Surrey County Council, UK (regarding the old animated Transformers movie, by the way) Thanks, Now Tell That to Your Neighbor Matt Oldham! "I am a teacher of English at a school in Reigate, Surrey, and I thought you might be interested to know that after analysing two of your film reviews ('101 Dalmatians' and 'The Return of the Living Dead'), my Year 9 English class submitted their own film reviews for a competition organised by filmeducation.org. I am delighted to say that Shani Freeke, a thirteen-year-old student in the class, yesterday won the Young Film Critic of the Year Award 2007 for her age category, beating 5,000 other entries. So..thank you for your inspirational reviews which served as excellent style models!" Kerry Lewis, Teacher of English, Surrey, UK It's Cuz We H8 Vmp1rz, Yo "what the hell is wrong with u twilight is the best movie ever how could u give it a d ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - jobrolover_o Now We Kinda Feel Bad "I just read a review of 13 Moons a film I wrote and directed (not advisable) and I happened on your critique. I was hurt by your strange references to my personal life and your very personal attack on my film and my efforts. I wonder if we have met and if I have offended you in some way. If so please accept my apologies. I have no problem with your dislike of my work. You should know my efforts are genuine and I put all my love and joy into what I do and hope that some people get some thing from it. You dismiss the film to such a degree I can only wonder what it is you saw. I will not engage you in a hopeless defense of my work as you have done yours and you will have the last and only say in your created public forum. I will ask you to attack me in the future on what you believe are the lack of merits in my work and stay off the personal stuff. It is low and if you intend to help others develop a critical eye, it is the an obligation you have to both your student and readers. Maybe some day I will have the opportunity to slap you back, but in the meantime I hope you marry well." - Alexandre Rockwell, Director Mel Gibson Said the Same Thing "I started out this email trying to be nice but I erased it because I decided that you are too big of a fucking moron to warrant the time it would take to spell it out for you. Find another line of work you worthless hack." - Kirk Winkler, re Apocalypto Also: With Whiskey "Mel Gibbson, has deffinatley made on of the movies, again in the true life History of the myan people. Now your company, well does not have the intellectual aspects of History! I don't think that Mel Gibbson would make another movie, just for the money, he make the movie, with truth and passion!!!!!! Did you ever see the Passion Of The Christ? It took alot of time and faith to understand, the history and believing of what actually happen to Jesus. And the authinticity of both movies. That is what he wants, not money, And if you realize Jesus did not have riches or material to die for our sins! So if you think, that he is in it for the money. NO!!!! he made the movie, with Passion and Believing!!!!!!!" - Anna Jones Not To Mention the Hair and the Clothes "I don't agree with your rating on National Treasure Book of Secrets at all. I go to VERY few movies and I loved this one. I am so sick of nasty R (X in my book) rated movies and PG-13 movies that show nothing but cheap sex, violence and kids smart mouthing off to adults. While I liked the first movie best I liked this one too. I buy very few DVDs of modern movies but both National Treasure movies are ones I will own and watch over again. I'm not sure what you are basing your rating on but I enjoy historical fiction. - Cheryl Keller Where is This Critics R Us of Which You Speak? "You know this is the first time I have ever written a critic, because for the most part, I find most critics (especially in a film like Bridge to Terabithia) get it wrong. But, I gotta ask Chris where exactly you got your critics credentials… at the local Critics R Us store? Were you even WATCHING the same movie as the rest of us? Truthfully, I find your critique of Annasophia Robb repulsive, totally inaccurate, ghastly over-simplified and it that weren’t bad enough, juvenile its description of the characters and plot line. Having not read (or even heard of) this book until after I saw the movie, I cannot speak to how the book translates to the movie, but your colleagues in your genre of movie critics field disagree with your assessment of this film (thankfully) and if you haven’t gathered it so far… so do I. Perhaps you should stick to films more your style, in line with other works you have written for Playboy or the liberal trash newspapers… at least there, you might find an audience, and certainly places I am sure NOT to read this kind of tripe." - Terry McMabry Caught Ya! Double Negative! "Most of you critics ain’t shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is how I criticize the critics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - MrKp Why Don't We Just Gouge Out Our Eyes and Call It a Day? "I read your review on the film mentioned in the subject heading. Sir, you are a cocksucker. I don't understand why you watch films. Please stop. But if you continue, stop writing about them. My calling you a cocksucker was more accurate than anything you said in your review, and I don't know you. I hope I never do." - Steve Brooks, re: Children of Paradise Mayan Violence Is a Partisan Issue "I think you should stick to trying to critique movies like Die Hard because you sure do a shit job of reviewing other movies or maybe it’s because you’re still trying to work on the peanut butter in your chocolate revelation. Mel Gibson strikes a note on what society is and the cold, hard truth is violent. I guess your a republican as well as a crappy critic? - Brooke and Karen And Swept Away Was a Masterpiece, Too "I'm extremely dissapointed that you would say that this is one of the worst movies you've ever seen when there are about a million pieces of shit out there! Revolver really quite entertaining and extremely clever. Did you not understand it? Is that why you hated it? Because I remember a lot of people coming out of Fight Club saying "I don't get it! That movie sucked!" Those people are what I like to call fucking retarded. How about you tell me what movies you do like so I can get an idea of your taste. Then I can judge whether or not this was a valid review. I have seen a lot of shit lately and I can honestly tell you that Revolver is at the top of my list. It's definately no Lock Stock or Snatch but it was very much Ritchie's style (which I love) and a little bit more serious than his others which is definately not a bad thing. Now, I hope you don't think this is an attack at your review or me attempting to go off on you. Everyone has their right to have an opinion on movies and it sucks that there are people out there that say "Pulp Fiction is fucking terrible but I loved Transporter 2!" But they do have the right to have their own opinion. I really hope you're not one of those people. Especially if you work for filmcritic.com If you don't want to write me back and you think I'm a jackass, I understand. I would love to hear your reasoning behind this review though." - Ethan Fox Ob La Di, Ob La Da "I have just read part of a review of the above which comments on a "victim of Down’s syndrome." Please note that as a parent of a child who has Down syndrome I would like to correct you on the terminology used in the review. People misguidedly referred to those who have Down syndrome as suffering from Down syndrome and now in your articles case as being a victim of Down syndrome this is not the case, people who have Down syndrome simply have it, they only "suffer" from other people’s attitudes and misguided assumptions!" - Helen Long Wait, the Predator Has AIDS??? "I just recently happened upon your review of the 1987 movie Predator. You sir are a fool and don't deserve to watch movies anymore. Are you even aware of what the movie industry was putting out in the mid 80's. It was one of the first of its kind to blend action/thriller and sci-fi genres while keeping that action hero presence that would carry the film. You remark that it wouldn't even be enjoyable to watch while drunk and alone on a saturday night. Wow! maybe you just need things laid out for you in a really plain fashion. Movie idea you might enjoy:       1- two guys meet at the park       2- the two guys fall in love at the park       3- two guys have gay sex       4- one gay guy dies from aids       at this point you are to upset and stop watching." - David Chernicoff On the Subject of Not Great Art "I wanted to thank you for the big laugh I got from your recent review of Living Death, which I co-wrote with Leo Scherman and Erin Berry. Specifically: "Living Death's third act has Victor coming back to life (regular life) as an insane person who gets his revenge... but who are we supposed to root for here? The psycho? His chilly wife? *A lawyer?*" Very funny. Seriously, I laughed out loud. But it also kind of misses the point. As far as who we're supposed to root for, gee whiz, I dunno. Who are you rooting for in Body Heat? Detour? Kiss Me Deadly? Wild Things? Re-Animator? We just thought we were making a fun, sick, twisted -- and intentionally silly -- little B movie. Sorry we disappointed you. We also didn't realize we were ripping off "the latest trend in horror filmmaking" -- that was the appparently crack marketing team behind the extremely misleading DVD cover, who were kind enough to photoshop some blood onto a still from the film and slap a bogus "Unrated" stamp on the front. Believe me, nobody on the production was talking about Hostel or Wolf Creek. Finally, I also have to take issue with your comment about the apparent "impossibility" of the drug used to "kill" Victor. The puffer fish toxin tetrodotoxin (TTX), which can also be extracted from certain species of newts, is a very real thing, and produces exactly the results described in the film. My apologies if it's become "tired." (It was also administered to James Bond at the end of From Russia With Love.) I guess we haven't been watching the same movies. Nitpicking aside, thanks for taking the time to watch and review the flick. Hell, it ain't great art, but it sure was a fun (and blatant) way to make a quick buck." - Chris Smets Mikey Likes It! "wow i wanna tell u guys how bad u guys rate movies. scar face got a 2.5, well scar face makes tons of merch now like shirts and action figures and its one of the best movies acording to other people, not only myself. almost everyone has that movie how can u say its a 2.5... Tommy Boy got a 2 also, that is such bull shit i must say. that is a popular movie as well. this is telling me u guys dont know what funny is. maybe u are looking for some barneys bop on ice kinda shit but if that is the case dont have a web site so u can dump ur meaningless numbers onto and give movies a bad name! what the hell do u want in a movie! these arnt just my opinions these are movies that people enjoy watching. most people can enjoy humor but i guess u people cant. any movie with violence in it u lower the score. are you like a retard or something. ur numbers arent accurate. choose 10 of those movies and take a vote see if people agree with u. stop giving movies a bad name!" - Mikey Fitz We Call It Vampire Butt I would like to give you shit on one of the reviews that you did years ago I might add. It was for Interview With The Vampire. The movie was made that way for many reasons, one of those reasons was because it wasn't supposed to be scary it was supposed to be the story from the vampires point of view, being it Louis it was really sad and depressing just because that is the kind of vampire he is. It was a screenplay written by Anne Rice herself so that it could be as close to the book as possible, and how can u say that it's unoriginal any other vampire movie is all about violence and gore this movie was about the vampire and seeing life throug his eyes so you can shove your review up your fucking ass. thanks - Joylene Squaze We Accept Your Pity 24 Hours a Day "I've just read your critic about That Thing You Do!... man... I feel sorry for you... I've never seen to somebody so desperate to get some atention... I know the Internet is full of assholes... but you... oh boy... you make them look fucking smart... What the hell is the love mail and the hate mail... haha... it's so gay like your critic, and maybe you haha... that idea makes you look like a 10 years old boy haha.... Okay... well... you are probably laughing right now... do you know why? because you know I'm right... you have no idea about movies... so this kind of mail only can make you laugh... if you thought that your critics are good you wouldn't laugh... you would get angry... but you only can laugh... haha... you have an standard thinking... Who laugh at last... laugh the better... Seriously... get a job dude..." - Cristian Fernández Garbage Collector? That's Hard Work! "After reading your review of Apocalypto I realize you are an idiot and a moron and I want to suggest you find work in some other vocation. Garbage collector, street sweeper, etc. Just a suggestion.. cause you suck at what you do now. I am suprised they pay you." - Jeffrey Brewer Sorry, He's Now a Garbage Collector "what a waste of a critic, he would be better used as your car washer.please try to keep political thinking at home not at work. that is half the trouble with liberals." - John Is That Some Kind of Come-On? "I read your review of The Last of the Mohicans and saw that you gave it a C. I have to wonder if you are homosexual not to see the romance of the movie. The film shows men in leadership roles as they should be, but that appears to be beyond your intelligence to recognize." - William Click Be Warned: They Don't Watch a Lot of Movies in the Peace Corps "Are you serious with your Constant Gardener review? Africa loving white martyrs? Are you advocating that white people should leave African problems up to themselves soley because of their skin color? In your review you say "Africa is a mess because of Western businesses, and the only solution is the virtuous gallantry of Western do-gooders; Africans themselves merely function as helpless victims in need of rescuing." Do you honestly believe this? Are you going as far to basically condemn orginizations like Amnesty International and the Peace Corps (which I plan on joining after I start and finish college by the way)? If you actually saw this movie, there is a strong message of love, and although the characters are white, they are there for help, as I assume 99% of the the white helping in Africa are there for. What is worse; white liberal guilt, or doing nothing except complaining about those who try? Your review was filled with nothing but hate, and like most film critics, it took every possible chance to be snarky ("why I'm at it, why don't I just insult 'City of God'"?). And to be even more snarky, I'm sure this will end up in "Hilarious hate mail" because of course, only you can be right. Fine, call me another owner of a bleeding heart , but at least I have one. No longer a reader," Marcus Michalik "If I were human, I believe my response would be: 'Go to hell.' If I were human." "let me start by quoting you. You said, in your review for star trek V:the final frontier that the movie had "illogical plot points" ?????????????? are you joking ? the intire premis of star trek and any other fictional storyline is illogical. why dont you take this story for what its worth, which is quite alot. I didn't fnd the plot laughable at all. i think your review is bias and i feel like there is some "bandwagon of hate" on this movie. i am not a trek fan..nor have i seen many tv shows they have produced. but i do like this movie. the portion of the movie that focuses on the 'everyone has a pain' theory of syboc doesn't even seem made up to me. honestly i concentrated on that aspect quite a bit, because it seemed realistic, even philosophical. but i didn't oversee the rest of the film. sure the special effects were dried up and cartoonish..but isn't the point to watching these types of movies supposed to be about using your imagination?? feel free to shove your review up your ass biaaatch" - biggie_002@hotmail.com Not a Redgrave, Nope "Yes the film is not great but it is nowhere near as bad as you make it out. There is a clear plot through out, the examination of the ebbs and flows of a female friendship. Your hatred of the lead, Midler, is very evident but your points about her are unfounded. She's not a Redgrave but she is good and her singing is impeccable. I'll concede one point, however, Hershey's lips do creep me out a bit." - Casey Krier, re Beaches filmcritic.com Unfair to Exploitation! "Re: 'The Candy Snatchers' review What an awful review. Simplistic, cheap and petty. You obviously hate Exploitation films yet still take freebies to review. Whore much? Stay the fuck away from such films as you obviously set out to hate them no matter what in your self congratulating way! Awful! Give it up, go and pack shelves or something." - 42nd Street Freak 3/5 Hate Mail, 2/5 Fan Mail "I just finished reading your review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and while I agree with a good portion of your general sentiment towards the film I'm puzzled by it. The puzzlement comes from the seeming discrepancy between the rating you gave the film, which would suggest that you felt that it was at least better than average, and the fact that you say nothing positive at all about any aspect of the film. I guess my point could be made another way: a three-star rating could be interpreted as being an endorsement for 3/5 of the film, and even though I realize this interpretation is over-simplifying the matter, I'm not clear on there being even a fifth of the movie which you believe held any merit. To be truthful, this the first review of yours I've had the opportunity to read. I noticed you had written a book about being a film critic, so I became curious about how you went about it. Based on what I've read so far, I wouldn't be surprised to see included in your book a recommendation that as a film critic, one should try to be as extreme as possible in one's reviews in order to bring in the readers. While I see the sense in it, I'm not sure what such an attitude would do for film or film criticism--two institutions which seem to struggle to maintain their integrity on a daily basis. Or, perhaps, it's jealousy on my part. After all, I couldn't expect anyone to want to wade through my prose. Thank you for taking the time to do so." - Anthony Williams, Portland, OR On the Contrary, I Adorn My Asshole Daily "Darling Lili is in NO way a bad movie. It is in fact quite a good film. Gorgeously photographed, with a beautiful Henry Mancini score, and a lovely performance from Andrews. I had never seen it until it was recently released on dvd, and after reading your review of it I knew I would love it because you usually don't eviscerate a film like that unless it's very good. Of course "Darling Lili" isn't a masterpiece. It's not great, but it is good. In light of that your review can only be seen as laughable, and yet more proof, as though any is needed, that you are the leading asshole of selfstyled internet critics. Please continue your work though as there may be many other very enjoyable films out there that I might overlook unless you trash them. You always remind me of Bosley Crowther, but at least he had some style to slightly temper the fact that he was an asshole. You are an asshole, pure and unadorned." - David Fowler Subject: Dave do you smoke crack? "I just read your review of The Ring 2. That movie was the most boring shitty sequel I have seen in a LONG time. It was up there with Species 2. I don't know how you can give this movie a B+ when all the good reputable critics said the movie sucked ass. Please retract your review as soon as possible and stay off the drugs while you write reviews." - Ryan Laurent Step One: Work on Good Taste "My name is Andrew, and I want to say that I am disappointed and shocked that Sean O'Connell could say that Elektra couldn’t keep up with Daredevil, when Daredevil is probably the worst comic movie ever made. Daredevil had a great storyline, director, special effects, some great actors, but Ben Affleck destroyed Daredevil, Ben ruined the movie, in my opinion Daredevil was good and had a tremendous amount of talent but Ben made the movie bad. Ben Affleck is not capable of being a great comic book character, but is an excellent actor. I am a future Director, I am only 15 but I will make it big when I am older." - Andrew How Much Money Does a Faggot Movie Make? "I know now to NEVER read any of your reviews EVER again!!!!!! I don't care to read reviews done by queer faggots! That's obviously what you are if you think Jessica Simpson didn't look fantastic in the movie! She was absolutely gorgeous! And I've seen much, much worse performances than her's! You can say what you want about the movie. I doubt Johnny, Sean, Jessica, or anyone at Warner Brothers gives a rat's ass....cux it's gonna make tons of money you moron!!!!! It will be successful enough for a sequel in a few years....mark my word! Perhaps the general movie-going public would like to see a pointless, fun movie, instead of one of the idiotic movies that you probably give good reviews to. How much money does your favorite faggot movies make? Not near as much as "Dukes" will! So just shut-up with all your meaningless crap.....no one cares what a faggot has to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - acemondo24@yahoo.com Matt Earns a Virtual Prison Sentence "Dear aspiring, is it screen writer? anyway thanks for the attempted character assasination. Just wanted to let you know that it backfired. The theatre has added a matinee since your hyped thumbs down. Yes more people have been coming to see Christmas in the Clouds since your review. Can't understand why you seemed so angry, you made some blatant remarks about the filmakers commiting "nearly every sin in the storytellers handbook" The question remains, who's handbook are you refering to ? Another big negative was (love this one) "absurd plot contrivances" or how about "awesomely improbable mistaken identity scenarios" just to name a few. Jeez Matt, the forefathers of the basic sit com, Shakespeare, Moliere and others knew what they were doing.see it goes like this" act one , boy meets girl and falls in love, act two=conflict, act three is the resolution, and yes the audience is in on it from the git go. no surprise,they enjoy the ride.C'mon Matt you knew the genre,why get upset? You'll have better days. But for God sake at least read all about the classic comedic contrivences in say Twelfth Night or any other of Willy's stuff, you'll love it. No it isn't cool nor does it have a Hollywood "edge" as we know it, but Matt I swear to God people love the film and the expected nastalgia or they wouldn't have given us all those awards. Sorry if you had a bad day but keep your chin up, things will change as you play longer. (It's really me Matt. for now.)" - Joe Clouds on Fire (no joke) -- someone involved in making the awful Christmas in the Clouds "Overuse" of "Quotes" "Your review of this movie (pallindrome) makes my head hurt. There is this thing called "college" where you can get an "education". Look into it. It may make your reviews better." - Jason Giffard That's No Way to Talk to a "Friend" "You can go fuck yourself my friend. Just because you suck fucking cock and your not good at anything else other than that, doesn’t mean you can belittle other fields of interest. You suck asshole." - Michael Sampson, vash123@bellsouth.net A Theme Continues... "How you have your job I don't know. You can't review for shit. Three degrees from Kevin Bacon? Whoop de fuckin doo, thats something to be proud of! How about learning to recognise a good film? Amazing, your probably gay aswell." - Liam Harrison, liam_harrison@hotmail.com Nobody Messes With Paris! "Maybe the reason you're such a terribly unknown critic is due to the fact that you give away have of the plot in each movie review. For instance, in your House of Wax review you just happen to mention how over 3 of the characters die. Thanks for ruining it. And stick to just watching the movie because you have terrible grammar skills." - USALLTHEWAY@aol.com Shiskel, Rest In Peace "This was my first experience in reading one of your reviews and after reading your statement about having had a better time seeing "War of the Worlds" it will most certainly be my last reading experience. "WotW" had more holes in it then a truck load of Swiss Cheese - How may I ask did Mr. Cruise and Ms. Fanning make their way to Boston - walking all the way?!!!! How is it that his former wife and her parents greeted father and daughter as if they'd just stepped out of the wardrobe trailer?!!!! Did the Martians just happen to miss their street. And if you didn't grow very quickly weary of Ms. Fanning's constant screams, which make the Ann Darrow character in all three Kong films seem like a mute, then you are truly a gluten for punishment. And how is it that father and son were miraculously reunited at precisely the most convenient moment - did the happen to both speak to one another on cell phones that were suddenly working - last we saw the son had bitten the dust. I have worked in the film industry for more than thirty years and get quite annoyed by critics who wouldn't know the first thing about (on the job) film making, but rather feel that they are qualified to point out the faults of others. More to the point - the late film critic - Gene Shiskel was responsible for writing what has to be amongst the very worst screenplays ever put to celluloid - "Beyond Valley of the Dolls." It wouldn't surprise me at all if you very possibly could top, or should I say bottom, Mr. Shiskel's effort." H. George, Brentwood, CA re King Kong Running Off at the Mo-uth "Very much appreciated your ideas on the best films of 2004. I concur with your judgment on The Incredibles -- something I saw with my 16-year-old son and did not expect to enjoy half so much as I did. Just one thing. Please note that calling a Mormon film a "Mo-film" is like calling a Black film a "Nig-film" or an Hispanic film a "Spic-film." Being bi-ethnic myself, I don't appreciate either of the latter terms, and I am not looking forward to hearing more of the first one. You may not care much for Mormons--but a crude nickname is not an acceptable way to express that opinion." - Mark Koltko-Rivera Peanuts: No Laughing Matter "I read your review of Monster-in Law from allergy alert. My 4 year old granddaughter has a LIFE- THREATENING allergy to peanuts. She could DIE from exposure. I am also an RN and have seen many cases of anaphylactic shock in my career some of whom DIED. I fail to see what is funny about about the peanut gag in this movie. I hope you never have to encounter any allergies in your personal life so you never have to realize how frightening and dangerous allergies really are. I belong to the allergy network and we have been urging a boycott of the movie since it's release. Allergies are dangerous and can cause DEATH so I really don't understand why you and your peers would think that this is funny, and I sincerely hope you never have to find out first hand." - Judith MacDonald, RN We Will All Sit and Drink Tea By the Fire Until You Take It Back! "You have stirred the hornets nest with your critique of the movie Trauma, all the Colin Firth fans are annoyed at your reasons. there is the loyal band of followers that cannot take anything adverse being said about our idol. flew to London to see him in Three Days of Rain at the Donmar and it was as good as its gets. he is a fine actor, but if that how you feel, sobeit. but i don't think i will read anymore of your reviews. my privilege as it is yours to write." - Christine Carparelli Livin' La Vida... ah, Skip It "I read your list of best movies for 2004. When I got to your remarks about Shrek 2 I was sad to read your slam on Ricky Martin. He is a favorite of mine and fail to see the need for you to disrespect him & his music." - Lee Graap It's Not a Spam, Keep Reading "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR BEING CRITICAL ONLINE ABOUT SEXY. TALENTED FLAWLESS ACTORS? Geez, I AM in the wrong business! * Sure am glad I don't have to look at that web site again and it just vanished off my computer without even warning me. You see, my computer is in love with Steven Segal; and LIVID get's very when she's taunted with the likes of you. But, I'll hold her back, and let you slide by this time.....bet you find this kind of 'mail' entertaining, don't ya?" - Kirin Kat Speak Not for Africa "I just came across your scathing review of "The Constant Gardener". I must say that I found myself rather amused in reading your impassionate review of a film founded by 'white guilt' and missed intensions. After all, I found your bio online --- complete with a picture of a young white man with a mischevious grin who brags of his love for all things " P.T. and Wes".Surely you can't get more pure-bred, upper-middle class than that! You claim to have this deep understanding of Africa and "African guilt". My question to you is this:"Have you ever been there?"My guess is: "NO!" I am an African.I was born in Africa, I was raised in Africa, and I have known both townships and rich neighborhoods in Africa.The destruction caused by western companies, specifically pharmaceutical and mineral, is real.Our people have suffered through wars because of this and the CIA has routinely murdered African leaders for the sake of "balance". "The Constant Gardener" is the first film I have seen in my life that has accurately portrayed Africans, Westerners, and the plight of the continent.As a film-maker in the making, I applaud this film and I can only dream to achieve such emotional, life'like truth and depth. Your contempt only speaks of ignorance and the desire to ridicule the truth for the sake of peace-of-mind. Don't pretend to speak for Africa when you don't know what you mean." - Thabo You Add Works to the Library of Congress by Just Mailing Them a Copy, by the Way "I have read your review on my film "the art of the doll maker", and yes it's true, dolls can be creepy, on the surface. I am a documentary film maker, and made "the art of the doll maker" to give inspiration to people who have lost hope, especially when it come to losing a loved one. This film digs deep into the psychology of the Doll Makers/Artists. The film has been added to the Library of Congress and is being used as a powerful reference tool by schools and psychologists for its human condition and artistic value. Historically, many theories pointing to doll makers being some of the first artists. It's something to think about. Artistic value aside, how do you wake up each day after losing a child, lover, brother, sister...? Hopefully, with this film, the viewer can gain some insight and wisdom from the Doll Makers and their journey, and start moving forward by just keeping their hands busy and creating something, with no judgment, no matter how visually beautiful or ugly it may appear. As a creator, they can take the focus off their loss and through the process, with time, can heal and find peace. In an ideal world, you would never have to experience loss. Unfortunately, as loss is more a question of 'when' rather than 'if', we hope this film could offer you a greater understanding of life, that scratches under that visual surface, to what really matters." - Mel Metcalfe III, Director, The Art of the Dollmaker Analysis Incomplete "you are a bigot. end of story . analyze that." - bhoskins1@triad.rr.com Cash = Comedy! "Chris barsanti is a very bad reviewer. Accidentally stumbled upon an old review for 50 first Dates. I LOVE critics who criticize movies that made millions of dollars and starring comedians that make 25 million a movie. It wasn’t funny REAL funny, but so what?” It was fluff, entertaining fluff. There are lots of movies that aren’t necessarily very funny but are enjoyable. Like stuck on you. Maybe laughed out loud once or twice when I saw it in the theater. But I liked it and I’ll watch it whenever it’s on. Funny doesn’t equal good. Good equals good. And you know what? No matter how many people don’t like Adam Sandler, he’s still making more money than Chris barsanti or most people will ever make. I think being a critic is a bad job. Obviously people don’t listen to them. That’s why so many critically panned movies become huge hits. CHRIS BARSANT SUCKS! Hahaha hahahaha hahaha hahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahaha hahaha hahahaha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. p.s. chris barsanti gives handjobs for money for penis enlargement surgery." - steve_349@hotmail.com So, Uh, What Are You Doin' After the Match? "I am the coach of the Texas State Championship Academic Decathlon team, and I take exception to your remarks about the appearance of girls involved in this activity. I know that you might have just been trying to get a few laughs, but we constantly fight the battle that we are just a bunch of nerds or bookworms that have no redeeming social qualities. I think that the girls on our team are quite attractive. I have attached our team picture, and you can judge for yourself." - Greg Jackson, Academic Decathlon Coach, Nimitz High School Just What Kind of Plants Are You Growing There, Anyway? "Hi. I just read your review of Jonathan Miller's 1996 version of Alice In Wonderland, and I felt that you dismissed the film far too quickly. Yes the drug metaphors may be "thinly veiled" but since that was the only metaphor you picked up on, perhaps the others weren't thinly veiled enough for you! For example, can't we take the whole thing as a metaphor for puberty, and growing up? 'The rabbit hole', man, maybe it isn't a metaphor for Alice's first fucking mushroom trip; maybe it's a metaphor for her first fuck! There is also so much satire on the church, on the judiciary system (in Victorian times AND in our times) and on society in general, which I don't think is too point-blank obvious, at least it can't be that obvious or surely you would have mentioned it! Of course it cannot be taken out of it's 1966 context, and I don't just mean OH YEAH MAN DRUGS-COOL, I mean films questioning society for the first time, and films aiming themselves at youths for the first time, and expressing the problems of youths. But Alice does this more subtly than other 60s films, it really does (...just not the drugs thing -- but that is only one level of the film, there are so many others...) And why should it be kid-friendly? Isn't that why it's adventurous, because it interprets a kid story in a mature way? Why would you want all the actors to be dressed up in animal costumes which would restrict the film to 'kids section'? I just can't believe you let this film bore you! It mounts upon itself and there is so much in it that I have seen it about 5 times and each time I watch it I spot something I hadn't noticed before...and to me that is a big part of what makes a great film! I suggest you watch it again and this time keep your eyes open! No seriously, I don't mean to be insulting and if you feel like defending what you wrote then I am happy for this debate to remain open! Yours frustratedly." - Helena Maciel, Department of Plant & Soil Science, University of Aberdeen South Boston: Here Comes the Culture "For whoever said southie is 1 and a half stars can eat my ass, if you were from southie and grew up there you would understand it, but i guess you grew up in the suburbs and wouldnt understand anything past your own world asshole, go fuck youself hard." - Chris Croke "your a real jerkoff, i see you dont know anything about southie,if you did ,you would understand ,look at yourself your a loser . i cant imgine you could even be a critic you suck, southie is atleast 4 stars ,but growing up in the suburbs hasnt given you a look at life outside your bubble get a life oops, your a critic you dont have one and by looking at your picture you will never have one either jerk off" - Chris Croke (sent later that day) G. Excellent Cigars and All the Rum You Can Stomach! "Hi; While the film Fidel (2002) may have many of the dramatic shortcomings you outline in your review, your shallow level of understanding of the Cuban revolution and the dramatic transformation it has brought to the Cuban people, is nothing short of complete ignorance of the subject. A 10th level hack at the US State Department would have a more sophisticated and accurate appreciation of the Cuban situation. Cubans (all Cubans, not just rich ones) enjoy the highest overall average standard of living of any country in Caribbean/Latin/South America. Of course, it doesn't compare materially to the US, Canada or Western Europe, but it's far above anything else in the Southern hemisphere. (Been to Haiti, DR, Panama lately?) a.. Cubans enjoy free universal health care (including dental) for life! (something our country hasn't managed yet) b.. Average life expectancy in Cuban is now 76 years (up from 55 under Batista and 64 for the rest of Latin/South America/Caribbean) c.. LOWEST infant mortality rate in the western hemisphere. Infant mortality in Cuba continues to decline, while it is rising in the US. d.. Cubans are universally literate (96% of population total literacy, higher than in US) e.. Free education through college. In the last 20 years, Cuba has trained more medical doctors (per capita) than any other country in the hemisphere. f.. 85% of Cubans own their own houses! YES that's right. 85% of Cubans own their own houses! And all this accomplished while the US Government has been in a vicious, 45 year campaign to strangle, suppress, and economically impoverish the Cuban revolution. Not to mention the assassination campaign the CIA engaged in against it's leaders. I suggest a little research and knowledge of history before you launch into baseless criticisms." - Paul Hubbard, Prov. RI Too Bad We Failed the Physical "Try divulging your thoughts before you see the film. anyone can say that they could see the ending coming after they have seen the film. obviously you are wasting your amazing crime-solving skills for film critic DOT com and should be helping our federal justice system instead." - Peter Thompson, re The Life of David Gale Oh Tay! "I saw Mystic River yesterday, decided to check out the Yahoo Reviews today. 14 reviews by "critics", 7A's, 2A-'s,3-B's, 1C-. You're the C-. The only way I can express my utter contempt for you and still not waste a lot of time e-mailing an idiot is to tell you that I hope whatever pathetic career you may have had as a film critic who gets paid for his work goes up in smoke. You are an idiot. Find something else to do with your spare time. If you decide to respond to this e-mail you might conceivably motivate me to the point where I do a little research and decide to cc: anybody and everybody who has any thing to do with the film criticism business. Hopefully this message alone will give them all the insight they need into Sean O'Douchebag. Kiss my behind, buckwheat. " - Paul Oversier Unclear on the Concept, not to Mention the Language "That reviewer said that the comics were "one-dimensional", which are points... i can imagine how unaccurate his review is just by knowing how much he knows about something that a 3rd grader would know..." - geniuscxs@hotmail.com re Garfield: The Movie Film Critic Seeks Grip, Personality, Life "Get a grip. It's not that deep. Dodgeball is a spoof comedy. I don't think it's supposed to be an epic on the par of Gone With the Wind. Film critics in general are anal retentive jerks who like to crap on other people's efforts. I've yet to agree with any of your reviews. Perhaps you should go back to school and get a personality and a life!" - Cassandra Crowe Radio: Inspired by the French "I wiped my dog's ass with your review of Radio, not knowing how else to react to it. (I had to print it out first, of course.) Radio's struggle is mankind's struggle, and his triumph is our collective triumph as one race: the human race. Your failure to address the French New Wave's influence on Radio's editing structure only further demonstrates your ignorance." - An Outraged Rosslyn Citizen We Hear He Tasted Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! "I want you to know that there was no need to bring up the Siegfried and Roy incident in your review. It was totally uncalled for and shows truly that you know nothing of animals nor do you care for anyone's feelings or have any compassion. Then again, considering your occupation. I am not surprised." - Helga Ocken Literacy: It's What's For Dinner "You are wrong about the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is was good no not good great It was one of the best movies I saw in my live I saw it with 8 other people and the all liked it I know it just your opinion but when 60 other critics love it they give it A's and you give it one of the worst grades ever? The critic from the Cincinnati Enquirer is pretty hard to impress but he gave it a 10 out of 10 and I know he is hard to impress because he hated brother bear,Haunted mansion,even Garfield. And by the way Garfield was the best and funiest movie so no one can say different well bye." - Terry Meckstoth Minneapolis: Where Great Films Are Made "Dear Mr. Hull -- Hokey Smokes! I just saw The Perfect Wife here in Minneapolis on Channel 45 tonight. I never saw the film before. And I LOVED IT! If you ever made a movie, yourself, you would appreciate how very, very difficult it is to make a movie, then market it, then try to get some money back. I've just made my third from-cable-to-video movie. And, as a REAL moviemaker:writer/director/producer -- I say that The Perfect Wife IS good, solid moviemaking. It ranks with similar revenge genre films such as The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. This movie style is reminiscent of the great old government-backed studios in England of years ago. Those studios were governed by some very sharp pencils. Practical sets were mandatory. Even those who were backed by wealth patrons, such as J. Arthur Rank, watched the bottom line carefully. And Ealing also comes to mind. Of course, there were several others. But what they all had in common were GREAT STORIES. Why don't you wait until you are grown up before you do any more reviews, putz-ala?! You are not only "Null," you are also "Void." That's as in "null & void," in case you can't connect the dots." - Jim Stokes, NaturaLite Pictures, Meshugenah Films Brevity is the Soul of Wit "review coulda been edited to don't like it filmcritic don't have no editors" - Imetsal@cs.com BLAIM, Uh, Society! "You’ve just convinced me that you know shit about movies! How about putting the critic aside and try searching for a better end at such a demanding trilogy as Matrix is? Don’t just sit in a chair and watch a film. SEE A FILM! If you don’t have the minimum IQ required understanding a movie, DON'T BLAIM THE MOVIE! I couldn’t imagine a better end on that trilogy, and if you think you have you are mistaken. The only think you just can’t say is that this movie was predictable. There is no movie with the word “Matrix” in it, which can be called predictable. It doesn’t even match in the dictionary. GET A LIFE!" - Soteris Achilleos Yeah, And You Write Like a Dob "This guy should go back to selling used cars or er, is that why he is a film critic? go get a jog numb nuts" - Jeff Sronce How About movieasshole.com? I hope the review of this Clint Eastwood film [Mystic River] is not representative of the views of your site. If it were, the site should be called filmcretin.com" - Franco Amurri Giddyap, Pardner "Tain't so 'bout Westerns. Bein' slow, that is. Why I seen hundruns of 'em in my ov'r the years. All 'em got's to have a some sort of...well ain't you seen High Noon? Took longer than paint to dry, listen' to that gall dern song ov'r...ov'r agin, til the showdown. Why that there movie rec'd an mention or somethin... A fella got's to soak up a Western...that is if he'in be a fan of that thar genre. Nice 'n slow...eve'r lil' line...then, the guns start ablazin', the heart starts athumpin' ...kowabunga!" - Bill Hodges One Word: Plllllllaastic "PUH-leese! Spare us the drooling hormonal adolescent film critics! Kate Bosworth was a student of mine in high school. Believe me, she cannot act her way out of a paper bag. She is a cardboard queen wiith a pllllllaastic body and a nonexistent persona. PLEASE PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME!" - Eileen, re Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! The Guy That Cleans the Toilet Loved It "Tell that idiot of a critic that you got to review School Of Rock to pay attention when watching the movie next time. He states that Dewy (Jack Black) does not try to exploit the children, but rather only encourage them. This is UNTRUE. He USES the children to try and win Battle Of The Bands and beat his former bandmates. If myself, an 18 year-old can see this and your critics cannot, then I believe that you need to find either a more observant critic, or a more intelligent critic with an opinion that people will actually take seriously. Oh, and as for his rating of only (** stars) I ought to slap him. I have seen the movie, I have heard reviews given by people of all ages as they have exited the movie on several occasions and everybody has agreed that this movie is worth at least (***1/2 stars)! This includes ratings taken from Cineplex (Grande/Odeon) employees." - Louie Coassin How Gay? "Yo man, ur reviews are very very very very worthless. are you like 5 year old kids putting random reviews on movies or something, i bet i knew why mcdonalds didn't like u, because u would always make comments about what the costumer ordered, well from the looks of it a lot of pple are making comments bout you guys and how worthless your site it. stop making reviews, and shut down ur site, and just stop! you make resally good movies seem worthless!! u dont have any sence of humor!! and ur jokes on our comments... are not funny at all! maybe to u guyz but u are all the same and very very gay. (P.S. everything i said in two words.... "YOU SUCK!!")" - Erick Beltram Bad Movie Saves Marriage "Coworkers and I were talking about favorite actors and of course, Bruce Willis came up! Without hesitation, I logged Bruce’s name into Google and up came your opinion of the movie “The Story of Us”. I felt it necessary to note to you that as you may not have enjoyed the movie, this movie actually kept my husband and me together after 17 years of marriage. I think it was very well put together; excellent directing and acting. We found ourselves completely in sync with the plot and story line. This movie is one of my all-time favorites and I highly recommend it." - Stacy Newman Now Drop and Give Me 20 "I just finished reading your review of They Were Expendable and I am offended by your negative and cavalier reaction to what most reviewers and historians consider to be the best film depiction of the early, bleak days of WWII. Maybe it's because of a generational gap and the movie's theme is beyond your comprehension. I don't fault you for that; however, I am glad that we are not associates. I would find you boring company." - William J. Smith Colonel, US Marine Corps (Ret) Kalaheo, Kauai Maybe Just a Little "I just read your review of The Uncertainty Principle; don't you think you are being a little bit harsh? I had to laugh at some of the things you said, cringed at a few of the others, but felt that you are being a bit mean spirited. Any chance you can temper the review a bit, especially the words about myself? I know the film was a bit rough around the edges, and was shot purely for the film festival venue, but "midwestern buffoon" are some pretty harsh words. I would be greatful. Sincerely," - Keith Schwab, Senior Physicist and Professor of Physics, National Security Agency We Wouldn't Dream of It "You know you could be a little nicer. First of all you don't know what the hell youf talking about with The Other Sister. That is THE best movie of all time i think you should rewatch it cause obviusly you were to blind to see the greatness it has. Giving it a star and a half is a disgrace. I give you negative fraking infinti star. Don't you dare write another bad review about it." - Tony Blanco Smoke on the Water "I am assuming that you know as much about being a good movie critic as you do about music. Not much! Each and every member of Jethro Tull are so talented, they each do a solo and are absolutely fantastic musicians. Something you know nothing about. Because if you were musically inclined, you wouldn't be trying to be a movie critic." - Debbie Neumeyer ??? "I think that you suck ass and that this movie rock. You always make f***ing stupid comments on movies that are good and rock, youre always saying how bad the actual good movies but the only one you say that are good are the borring one that only boring white people like you watch. next time you get ready to criticise about a good make sure that your not only taking about how the whites dont like the movie, u stupid races." - Tania Delvalle ??? Part 2 "hi and hey im not a GUY im a freak Matrix girl" - Eman Define: Obsessive-Compulsive "I found most of your reviews interesting...yet, consistently wrong. I guess we look at movies differently. I enjoy good movies and you just like to be negative. Nevertheless, I am addicted to this site. I have a large DVD library and I find it necessary to compare my opinion with yours." - Crystal Walters Crystalinks.com Wants You "I've been always someone who saw the opposite view, but a view most people miss.and through time things that stood out to me when I was little I've since had answers to. Tthe similarities to this movie and what Admiral Byrd had to say regaurding his journey to the center of the earth and meetings with a higher power are of the same message Klatu had to sayand of what Noah lived through in the past. How easily we forget. I have since I was 33 expanded my awarness and found many answers But still have much to learn spiritually, emotionaly,and through my feelings. Recently I saw a show on these 62 children in Africa in school who saw a UFO landby thier school, aliens come out and stood stairing at them clairovoantly, there out come of thier understanding was not quite sure or their hidng something once again understandably? But one child was quoted say we are living in the end as we know it , the teacher had them all draw what they saw all had same eyes and a similiar space ship. Out of all the UFO storiesI I've seen, this one was most outstanding. through experience, seeking answers, inner thoughts of conciousnes and spiritual awareness,I Am Discourses, web sites eg crystalinks .com, meeting my spirit guide and through try'n to understand our reason of being we are truly all of light or need to be enlightened I should say we are going through a change which has been predicted many stories over my philosophies even since I was young was not far from wrong but brain washed and divided buy our own race to the true meaning of God we all live in a full circle, "8",and some say who come back from death they saw a tunnel of light and isnt it funny that the 1st word and the last word in ones mouth is mom /ahh meaning creator bye for now please email me if interested in questions ect." - David Baker Now THAT's What I Call Marketing! "your site is LAME!!!!!!!!" - Connie Burke, Burke & Associates Marketing Well, Yes, Frankly "Do you think you have enough white males?" - Rebecca in Ohio Fan Mail / Hate Mail Page 2 Fan Mail / Hate Mail Page 3

Wanna add something? Click here to