No one knows how to make money like The House of Mouse. Give Disney the flimsiest of premises and they will pump cash and commercial tie-ins out of it like profits from Pixar. When Escape to Witch Mountain proved to be a big hit among post-Watergate grade schoolers, it didn't take long for the company to buy up another idea from novelist Alexander Key featuring the extraterrestrial teens Tony and Tia. With Oscar winning scenery chewer Bette Davis on hand, along with that English epitome of evil Christopher Lee, the studio prayed for another live action hit. Instead, thanks to a certain movie about a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the tepid Return from Witch Mountain failed to find an audience.

After spending time at Witch Mountain, perfecting their powers and mingling with their kind, Tony (Ike Eisenmann) and Tia (Kim Richards) take a trip to Los Angeles. After being dropped off by their Uncle Bené (Denver Pyle), the boy is promptly kidnapped by crazed woman of wealth Letha Wedge (Davis). She wants to use Tony as part of an experiment in mind control conducted by the diabolical Dr. Vincent Gannon (Lee). They will use our helpless hero as a means of achieving all manner of criminal conspiracies. It's up to Tia to save the day, and thanks to a group of genial juvenile delinquents known as "The Earthquake Gang," and kindly truant officer Mr. Yokomoto (Jack Soo), she's soon on her way.

If the original Escape to Witch Mountain tried to play semi-serious with the notion of two teenage aliens manipulating matter with their mind while dumbstruck adults stood by gawking, the Return is all camp and no compunction. When you bring on Ms. Bette, a diva before the word got its clear cultural definition, and Lee, who can stand still and remain a figure of over-the-top prominence, you're asking for trouble. Add in the fact that these two live in what could best be described as Dracula's west coast crib and there's really nothing anyone can do. This movie is going to squeal like a group of girls at a Hannah Montana concert. Let's face it -- any film using undersized urchins as potential saviors is asking for its waves of unintentional laughter.

At least with Richards and Eisenmann back, we can count on some skillful, naturalistic acting. Both redeem this ridiculous retread, trying everything to remain stoic in the face of silliness and standard-issue Disney slapstick. The comic relief factor is amplified unnecessarily here, the kiddie clan given over to bouts of Little Rascals regression. And poor Jack Soo, sick with esophageal cancer, makes Cornjob/Kondo from Gamera vs. Guiron look like Ray Liotta. This is typical of the way Mickey's men treat material. They recklessly combine what worked before (the notion of child empowerment and the victory of the young over the more mature) and mess it up with mediocrity that only takes away from the entire project. And it's hard to fault Key. He's clearly here to cash a paycheck.

But the most disruptive "force" for this film was timing. Return from Witch Mountain came out one year after George Lucas rewrote the sci-fi rulebook with Star Wars and Steven Spielberg imbued aliens with a godlike sense of wonder in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. After such outsized, imaginative journeys into the unrealized scope of the cosmos, how could this wires-and-matte-paintings paltriness compete? Crappy cable channels like Chiller offer more effective spectacle than what Uncle Walt's world has to offer. This is one Return trip that should never have been planned, let alone taken.

The 2009 DVD includes a commentary track, pop-up trivia, and numerous making-of featurettes.