Sigler on Horror

The perils of teen sex. It's one of the biggest tropes in horror movies, an element that came to the fore in seventies slasher flicks, but you know what? Horror-movie sex isn't just for teens. Sex is the ultimate act of trust and vulnerability with another human being. (You are naked, after all -- well, at least sometimes, when you're not wearing that Spartan outfit, but you get my point). And what do we do in horror movies? Why, we betray trust and capitalize on vulnerability. Put it all together, shake well, and you get some rather brutal and disturbing demises.

Cue the modified LL Cool J, because it's time for doin' it and doin' it and doin' it dead. I give you the Top 10 Sex-Death Scenes.

10. Species
This is pretty straightforward, as far as sex deaths go. If you get jiggy with a monster, bad things are going to happen to your face. At least Albert Molina has a nice tender moment with the hottie monster Natasha Henstridge before it all goes horribly wrong.

9. Evil Dead
Two words: tree rape.

Ah, the impenetrable mystique of those unblinking screens at which we stare all day. Just as the movie Talhotblond (out on DVD this week) does not, in fact, feature a tall hot blonde -- it's a documentary about a lethal love triangle whipped up in Internet chat rooms, complete with fake pics and duplicitous replies to the ubiquitous question "So what are you wearing?" -- so, too, do the computers in many a horror flick lead to our eventual undoing.

Many writers have given in to the impulse to mine terror from the blue screen. So which do it best? Glad you asked.

10. fear dot com
Now, in general, the "critics" on RottenTomatoes.com have all the credibility of Cousin Gus, but, out of a 100 percent scale, they gave this one 3 percent. Which tells you something. Nonetheless, for creative use of computerized terror -- Stephen Dorff plays a detective investigating a creepy death linked to a torture-porn Website that drives all who visit it crazy -- it cracks this list, albeit way at the bottom.

9. Ghost in the Machine
This 1993 flick gives you the best of both worlds -- a human serial killer (Ted Marcoux) who, in death, is transferred into a computer, where he continues his murderous ways. (You know, using the electrical grid and household appliances and stuff.) In a feat of ingenuity, he accesses a woman's address book and begins killing off her contacts one by one. Gives new meaning to the word "virus," doesn't it?

You think you know what a MILF is? Lay off the Internet porn, my friend. This is a horror column and we're talking about monsters I'd like to...well, you know. No offense to mothers everywhere -- they truly are the glue that holds society together -- but there are some grade-A pieces of monster tail out there that simply must be celebrated.

A few notes: first of all, zombies are basically out. You might want to jump the bones of a megasmokin' vamp, but I doubt many of us are ready to throw down someone who is a walking boil. Second, don't bother complaining about how vampire heavy this list is. The whole genre is about suppressed sexuality (something that Stephanie Myers reconnected with in a big way, all you Twilight haters). Without further ado, here's five girlie MILFs and five guy MILFs (here's to equal representation!) that make horror hard-core. This list is far from exhaustive, and you can bet there will be a sequel to this column, now that I've got the topic on the brain.

Blade (Wesley Snipes), Blade
Who's half-vampire and all badass? Blade, baby, that's who. With the tricked-out trench coat, the shades, the sword, and the superslick moves, Snipes pulls off a sexiness usually reserved only for the full vamps. He'll put a piece of steel through your nasty, undead heart, then, while you disintegrate, he'll turn his head and look the other way, just to show how cold he can be. Hot!

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Note to self: if you want to become a werewolf, spend time in the gym. A lot of time. This kid got so ripped for the part that even air was afraid of him and he walked around in a little vacuum. Before this sequel came out, odds were against any would-be successors to the Robert Pattinson throne. Afterward? Let's just say a lot of Team Edward baby-doll tees found their way into the trash.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, thank you for having me back to host the most important event in the history of mankind: the Horror Oscars. That's right, for the third straight year it's time for the Oscars to go to hell.

As we did in 2007 and 2008, we've assembled a meticulous collection of flicks, tossed them into some fairly random categories, consulted an esteemed and highly educated expert (me), and come up with winners. Let's get down to business.

Best Lack-of-Original-Ideas Picture
The Nominees
• Friday the 13th
• Halloween II (remake and sequel)
• Last House on the Left
• My Bloody Valentine
• Piranha
• Sorority Row
• The Children

Analysis: I was shocked this year to see seven major horror movies that were remakes or reboots of classic and not-so-classic franchises. Come on, Hollywood. I'm sure you could find an original idea lying around somewhere in the back of your junk drawer.

The Winner: The Children. An upset! Horrible then, horrible now, and yet so bad it's good. Friday the 13th was a classic, but remaking The Children?

In the world of horror, respect equals fear, and, as much as anyone else, our height-challenged friends deserve respect and fear. Here's my ten favorite movies starring undersize terrors.

10. Chucky (Brad Dourif), Child's Play
He's technically an oversize doll, so he gets knocked down a few spots. But if this were the Top 10 Bipedal Primate-Shaped Things That Might Be Alive, Chucky would be first.

9. Midget, Trapped in the Closet
This urban opera, by singer R. Kelly, makes clear that you need to watch out for the li'l dude hiding under your sink: he's got a gat and you could be in for a serious beat down. If you haven't seen this, trust me when I say you need to -- from start to finish.

It's boneless, it's shapeless, it looks a lot like jelly -- and you know what else? It will kill your ass dead. I'm talking about the goo that haunts horror movies.

Of course, the king of all things silver-screen slimy is The Blob, both the 1958 version and the 1988 remake. The original stars Steve McQueen, while the remake features Shawnee Smith, of Saw fame. And don't forget the 1972 sequel, Beware! The Blob, directed by none other than Larry Hagman (J.R., from TV's Dallas), which proves, irrefutably, that just because a blob has been frozen twenty years doesn't mean it's safe to thaw it out.

"Monster" is such a judgmental term, isn't it? How would you like being reduced to a pejorative and a location? "Oh, look, there's the Chicago Abnormality." Or, "Watch out, it's the Customer-Support Cube-Farm Mutant!"

This series focuses on the cryptid, a creature whose existence has been suggested by many but remains unconfirmed. We started out with a look at El Chupacabra ("Goat Sucker"), whose brief turn in the spotlight spawned a handful of monster flicks. Now it's on to one of the most famous of cryptids: the Loch Ness monster.

The U.K. isn't exactly known as a prime breeding ground for horror directors, but there are some notable category leaders who prefer tea over coffee: the legendary Alfred Hitchcock (The Birds), along with James Whale (Frankenstein), Terrence Fisher (Curse of Frankenstein), and the directors from the Hammer House of Horror.

But if you think all the U.K. greats are in the grave, you're dead wrong. There's a thriving batch of big names and up-and-comers across the pond, some of whom you probably had no idea weren't American. Your Uncle Scottie has put together an alphabetized list of living and active British horror hitmakers. You're bound to find some must-rents you've missed.

Marcus Adams
Adams is a little-known name lurking about the fringes of horror. He got on the scoreboard with his 2002 Ouija outing, Long Time Dead. Though there's not much good to say about that one, his next project is an adaptation of the video game Suffering, due out in 2011, and in-the-know types are betting his skills have improved.

Clive Barker
One of the best-known names in contemporary horror, Barker is most famous for his books, but he has quite a résumé as a director. Ever heard of Hellraiser? That was him. Throw in Lord of Illusions and Nightbreed and you're talking a killer track record. Tortured Souls: Animae Damnatae is rumored to have a 2011 release date.

This column is about horror movies in all their splendor and trashiness. But sometimes it goes beyond them to look at source material -- you may remember our examinations of Stephen King movies and vampire novels with a girl-power twist. While almost everything King writes is optioned (and much of it gets produced), he's not the only horror heavy hitter in the ring: enter Dean Koontz, who's written 81 novels since 1968, hit the number-one spot on the New York Times' best-seller list twenty-four times, and sold over 200 million books. Many of Koontz's novels have been adapted for the big screen, to decidedly mixed results. In the interest of cosmic fairness, let's look at both the top hits and the bottom-of-the-barrel misses.

The Top Three

1. Demon Seed (1977)
This tale of a computer determined to make a woman (Julie Christie) carry its artificially created child -- apparently even machines can't avoid baby-mama drama -- is one of the few flicks that tries to plausibly bridge the gap between technology and biology. The story is solid, even when the execution falters. Demon Seed fit perfectly into the late '60s-early '70s wave of "computers take over the world" movies, which included 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970).

The horror of real life is often worse than the horror of the cinema. Take, for example, the auto-immune reaction to transplanted organs. Imagine, if you will, that your ticker is on the way out. But you're in luck! A donor has conveniently kicked the bucket, and you and said donor's heart rendezvous on an operating room table. You get a new lease on life, but your troubles are about to start: Your pesky immune system, you see, thinks the heart now keeping you (and it) alive is an evil, alien thing, like a bacteria or a virus. So Mr. Immune System attacks the heart, and guess what? Immune systems are good at attacking things. Your heart blackens, and the end result is that you're dead, killed by your own immune system.

So, what's this got to do with horror flicks? Why, it sets us up to talk about rebellious body parts, of course. Transplants are all the rage in horror fiction, and often make the recipient do many eeee-vil things. With that in mind, let's take a look at the Top Ten Bad Body Part movies. First, though, the rules -- the transplant has to be part of the recipient. This list does not include rogue body parts, such as Ron Jeremy's Penis in One-Eyed Monster, or the plethora of movies that feature severed hands (insert list here after).

Horror comedies have been kicking tail lately, with the walking dead -- natural laugh-riot source material -- leading the way. The success of Zombieland has the genre back in the spotlight, so what better time to bust out my list of Top Ten Horror Comedies of All Time?

I'm avoiding tongue-in-cheek horror movies like Scream, which play games with the genre but still deal in real horror. Ditto movies that have plenty of humor but still finish strong on the spook-factor scale, like An American Werewolf in London. We're going for comedies here. Comedies with bl-bl-bl-blood, baby. This isn't the most original idea in the world -- there are dozens of "Best Horror/Comedy Movie" lists out there, fo' sho. There are also hundreds of horror/comedy flicks, so some of your top picks might not even be on my list, which is the nature of lists: One of my favorite horror movie sites compiled a roster of 30 titles that didn't include freakin' Ghostbusters ... whoa! So I'm not even going to do honorable mentions: These are my ten best, and if you don't agree with my selections, you're probably very stupid. Just being honest, people; someday you'll thank me.

10. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
When you want the good stuff, you have to go to the source. Bud and Lou? Back in the day, they were comedy, baby. Nobody laughed in this town without their say-so. And in this flick, they not only whup-ass on Frankenstein's monster, they also get busy with Dracula and the Wolf Man. That's a crap-load of monsterness. And you think James Cameron can do special effects? Hah! Check out this eight-minute clip of old-school FX awesomeness.

For most of us, our first real horror experience involved a bad dream. Your parents could keep you safe and warm during the day, but once you laid your wee head on your wee pillow and you closed your eyes, you knew you were playing Russian roulette (even if you didn't know that term at the time, unless maybe your parents were Russian, or gangsters). You slept, you dreamed and sometimes you woke up screaming. Other horrific encounters -- from fun stuff like horror movies and books to un-fun stuff like fights, death in the family or, worst of all, algebra class -- came later... Hoo, give me a second here. I just had a shiver on that last one.

Because we've all experienced nightmares at some point, they're a breeding ground for the horror genre. Interestingly, though, when it comes to film count (which is like "body count," you know, but with movies instead of corpses), nightmares can't hang with hallucinations. All of us have had a bad dream. Most of us haven't had a genuine hallucination, and yet they seem to dominate the genre. But if you turn your mind to slumber-driven visions, some cinematic winners and losers readily come to mind.

Now, while I'm as down for a gross-out contest as the next guy, this column isn't about the "yech" kind of gross. It's about the box office kind: This is a list of the Top Ten highest-grossing monsters of the last decade.

The movies involved didn't necessarily have to be horror, but they had to have some kind of monster. Human monsters only for slasher and serial-killer flicks, of course, but a scifi flick with a big bad or even -- egads -- a kids' movie with a recurring monster could make the cut. It had to have opened between January 2000 and December 2009, and numbers were taken from The Numbers.com. It's a big list, so let's get right to it.

10. Alien and Predator (tie): $301,428,013
What? How did these '80s throwbacks claw their way into new-millennia box-office gold? Why, with tag-team powers that would make the Wonder Twins just sit the eff down, that's how. Alien vs. Predator and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem racked up enough dough to land these two classic baddies at number ten. Of course, no monster list is really complete without these cats, so I'm glad to see them walking side-by-side on the red carpet. Not that I want to be at that particular red carpet, mind you. I'm just glad they are.

There are things as yet undiscovered by man, and no, I'm not talking about the source of that inexplicable smell emanating from somewhere beneath your driver's seat. I'm talking biology, man! The science of hunting for undiscovered or presumed-to-be fictitious species is known as cryptozoology but take a note, science types: Anything you're looking for, Hollywood found a long, long time ago.

Oh, for crying out loud -- is it Christmas again, already? The economy is tight, so what's a fan of horror to do? Get your friends, family, co-workers, and enemies a delightful selection from Uncle Scottie's Catalog of Doom -- that's what you do. You want selection? Children, we got selection.

These are the gifts that keep on giving -- presents that will turn your nearest and dearest into the stars of their own horror movies. They'll probably go insane and kill everyone within reach, so make certain you're somewhere else on Christmas morning. Maybe you should sleep in -- with plenty of dead bolts on the door. For now, feast your evil eyes on the selections below: pick a category, pick a present, and, if you order now, we'll throw in a Clapper™ and a ShamWow™!

Clothing
How about a nice haunted cape from I'm Dangerous Tonight? That's right, a cape that makes you kill people. It sure sounds like it would make a good flick; what with stars Anthony Perkins (Psycho), Dee Wallace (The Howling), and director Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre) in the mix. And if that doesn't work, you can always get the guys on your list a nice black "evil me" outfit, à la the Venom suit from Spider-Man 3.

Religion and horror movies have gone hand-in-hand since the first big-screen vamp flinched away from a cross (that would be 1931, for those of you blogging at home). We've all seen our share of twisty heads, projectile vomiting and little girls who sound an awful lot like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, but there's more to religion-tinged scarefests than Ol' Scratch trying on a new people suit.

There's even a sub-category of horror movies known as "Religious Horror." Surprised? I was, and I write horror for a living, yo. Granted, this includes crazy made-up religions like those showcased in the Hellraiser movies and Children of the Corn series (yes, there was more than one -- try eight, not counting the recent made-for-TV remake. Hell, religious horror even has its own Wikipedia page, so people other than me are putting some thought into this stuff

Depending on what we include under the term "religious," the category can become ridiculously broad in less time than it takes Jigsaw to come up with a new idea for a deathtrap. Possession movies are a lock, but what about the aforementioned vampire flicks? Maybe Dracula is religious horror, but Twilight most certainly is not (and stop with the Mormon puns before you start -- them there sparkly vamps are religion-free).

As I see it, the explanation is simple -- when 34 of your books have been turned into big-screen flicks, the sheer number of attempts ensures at least a few stinkers. Oh, and that 34 -- that's just the feature films. The real challenge of turning King books into movies is sheer size: He cranks out more thousand-page tomes than Congress, and it's a formidable challenge to condense such sprawling narratives into 90-minute scripts; screenwriters often take the basic idea and do their best, as they did in The Running Man and (arguably) The Dark Half.